“To exist in silence as I lay my soul bare”
And so it goes. The days are blurs of Sean, Jenn, and Margo helping me with the administration of my life. There’s a will, a house, cars, belongings. Too much to comprehend. And my nights are Jason Leer.
He comes when the others leave; always here within minutes of loneliness setting in. He saves me from my thoughts and my memories. Two days ago I showed him the key under the turtle rock and now he no longer knocks. Knocking would imply asking permission to come in and he’s already here.
Something’s different about tonight, though. Sean and Michelle brought dinner over and drove Dad’s tractor back to their house. They left an hour ago, later than expected, and he’s still not here. I haven’t slept without him since the funeral and now that he’s absent, the depth to which I need him scares me.
I look in the mirror as I brush my teeth and my face is distraught. I refuse to let myself consider why. Too afraid it has more to do with Jason’s absence than with my parents. That’s impossible, though. Did he say he had something to do tonight? Did he say anything? Do we ever say anything? I thought I understood. Until tonight. Now that he’s not here the last week no longer makes sense.
I button the last button on my favorite nightshirt and climb into bed. It’s enormous and cold without him. The silent darkness allows the memories to seep in. The moonlight invades my room and everything is gray and sad. Why?
Why did you die?
Why aren’t you here?
Where the hell is Jason Leer?
Tears fill my eyes, and I roll onto my stomach and bury my face in my pillow. I can’t be without them. They have to come back. I hear the truck tires on the gravel of my driveway and hurry out of bed. His truck door moans as he closes it and I go to the back door to meet him. I open it just as he’s fitting the key into the lock.
His smile fades as the look on my face registers. He steps to me and wipes the tears from my face, which makes me cry a little more.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” he whispers, so as to not disturb the quiet that’s descended on the house. He smells of cigarettes and dirt. Actual dirt. And I’m so thankful he’s here.
“I was worried.”
“Worried I wasn’t coming?” Jason moves closer to me and I lose my breath as he pins me up against the wall. I nod my head slowly, my eyes never leaving his.
“I came as soon as the rodeo ended.”
“Did you forget the rodeo?”
“No. I know the rodeo is on Saturday.” Jason’s face turns to confusion. “I didn’t know today is Saturday,” I say, and my complete disconnection from the living makes me start to cry again. If my parents were alive, I would know what fucking day it is.
Jason pulls me close to him and kisses the side of my head as he runs his fingers through my hair.
“I need a shower,” he says, but I can’t be concerned with what he needs.
“I need you.”
I lay my soul bare; Jason’s to do with me what he wants because I can’t seem to care about it anymore. He forces me back to the wall and presses his body against mine until I can feel him. Until I can feel something.