Forgive Me
Chapter 2
“I run out of the water, swallowed by complete devastation”
Chapter 2
“I run out of the water, swallowed by complete devastation”
“Noble?” I stare out the window as we pass field after field and lose my attention to the crops. I follow them to the horizon, the only boundary between the earth and the sky. The perfect blue meets the green fields as if it’s watching over them. This is Noble’s world.
God’s country.
“Yes?” He brings me back to his truck. I turn to him, and watch him drive with the ease that’s always a part of him.
“Would you say I’m your best friend? That we’re best friends?” Noble takes his eyes off the road to meet mine. I’ve seen this look before. He’s not sure whether to laugh.
“Are you going to give me half a BFF necklace, or something?” He asks as if I am the most ridiculous person he’s ever known.
“I was just thinking about how things change.”
“Charlotte, what’s going on?” He’s listening closely now. We pass the cornfields, almost knee-height. How many corn crops have I passed in my lifetime?
I shake my head. “I was just thinking.”
“About what?” About what?
“You are one of my closest friends. You, Margo, Jenn, and Sam. And at Rutgers I can’t survive without Julia, Violet, and Sydney.”
“Where are you going with this?” Now he’s worried. Noble turns left and a new set of fields draws my attention.
“What happened to the others? Jason, and Ollie, and Possum? Where are Heather Miller and Dana Davino? Why aren’t we friends with them anymore? I went to Jason Leer’s birthday party every year of my life until we hit high school, and then I never hung out with him.”
“Charlotte, things change—the passage of time, circumstances—but people don’t. We’re still friends, just old friends. Jason was into the rodeo, and we weren’t. We just went in different directions.”
Noble turns onto the farm lane leading to his house and crosses the railroad tracks that sever it. An acre and a half back, we pass Jason Leer’s house on the left. His truck is parked near the barn separating his and Noble’s yards. I swallow hard at the thought of my ankle in Jason’s hand.
“Wait here,” Noble says, and pulls up near the side door of the farmhouse.
“Why?” I ask, knowing my cheeks are probably flushed. Noble notices and seems confused for the second time today. I’m not making any sense.
“Because my mother will interrogate you about my love life at Rutgers and we’ll never make it to Jenn’s.” Noble’s easy smile lights up his face. He is my best friend. “Just wait here, okay?”
Noble leaves me in the car and I can’t take my eyes off Jason’s truck. I wonder what he’s doing today, what Jenn and Margo will say if I invite him to the lake house with us. The door to Jason’s house swings open and hits the side of the house. Anyone else exiting a house that way would indicate anger, but Jason smiles as he strides over to his truck. I watch in delight. Everything is so powerful about him, and I can’t take my eyes off him. A chill runs down the back of my neck and I tilt my head to thwart it.
Jason reaches for his truck door and glances back. At the sight of me, he stops. The smile drains from his face. It’s replaced with something else. Something coercive. I should lean down in the truck. Crouch down and escape his gaze, but that would be cowardly and something about Jason Leer brings out the best and worst in me, neither of which is anywhere near fear.
He takes one step toward me as Noble practically skips out of his house. He breezes to the truck and climbs in carrying cucumbers, without even noticing Jason. As he pulls away he waves at Jason, and I sit in awe of him. We drive a few miles, me trying to understand what Jason does to me, and Noble singing along to music without a care in the world. He lowers the volume and examines me.
“Charlotte, what?”
I release myself from all things Jason Leer.
“What if the person you’re supposed to be with you’ve known your whole life? What if they’re an old friend?” Noble’s gaze is serious, and that’s terrifying.
“An old friend or a best friend?”
“Old, either, does it matter?” This line of questioning is not relaxing him.
“Is this about Brian? Are you second-guessing breaking up with him?”
“No. This is absolutely not about Brian.” Noble studies me.
“What you’re talking about will change everything. I’m not saying it never happens, just that if it ends, it never ends well.”
“Have you ever been with someone you know in your heart is the exact right person for you? That everything swirling around you just moves you closer to that person?” Noble takes his eyes off the road and looks at me as if I have a unicorn horn growing out of the center of my head.
“Did you get high before I picked you up?”
“No,” I say, and lower my head. I’m not making any sense today. None of this makes sense.
“You’re scaring me a little.”
“I know,” I say, and drop the subject. It’s a stupid one.
The drive to Jenn’s lake house is about a half hour. Noble and I spend it with the windows down and the music playing. We pull down the long gravel-cut lane winding through the woods and park behind Jenn’s and Margo’s cars.
A day on the lake is the perfect end to June, I think as I jump out of the truck and grab my bag. The cloudless sky agrees with me. This will be the last summer we’re all home together. It seems everyone branches out after their junior year. Jenn has already said she’ll be on a beach somewhere full-time and Margo wants to stay at school and take summer classes. I’m not sure what I’ll do, but it’s not going to be in Salem County if these girls don’t come home.
I hand the bag of cucumbers to Jenn and she starts washing them. “Compliments of Noble Sinclair.” I give credit where credit is due.
“Oh, Mr. Sinclair? You don’t say? I love that you still call him Noble after all these years. Can’t just commit to Nick like the rest of us,” Jenn says.
“She’s stubborn,” Noble concludes.
“It’s nice to know a farmer. I’m going to make you cucumber salad as thanks,” she says.
“I was going to bring some tomatoes too, but they’re about a week out.”
“Let’s meet back here in a week. I’ll make a tomato salad then,” she adds and begins cutting the cucumbers.
“Sam should be here any minute,” Margo says, and grabs a cucumber. “Why don’t you guys take out the canoe? It’s covered in spiders. I couldn’t get within three feet of it.” I look out the window at the lake. It’s completely still, no signs of life.
Noble and I sweep the interior of the canoe for webs before pulling it to the water’s edge and placing the paddles inside. We step into the water and gingerly board the canoe. We almost tip at Noble’s entry, but we right ourselves and set off on our sail with Noble at the bow. His neck and shoulders appear enormous from this vantage point. As he pulls the water with his paddle his biceps bulge. When we exit the shade of the coast, Noble takes off his shirt and I am in awe.
“How come you don’t have a girlfriend?” I ask, and Noble keeps paddling.
“What makes you think I don’t?”
“You wouldn’t keep something like that from me, would you?” I’m wounded at the suggestion. Noble turns around and his warm, inviting smile confuses me all the more. Why is he alone? Or is he?
“I’m just waiting for the right girl,” he says, and paddles with deep strokes that push us from shore. “Until she comes along I’m trying to meet as many wrong girls as possible,” he adds with the naughtiest grin.
“Sounds like a great plan to catch something nasty.”
“That’s very romantic, Charlotte. Just because things aren’t swirling around me, or whatever the hell you were saying earlier, doesn’t mean I’m a venereal disease waiting to be contracted.”
“Says you,” I retort, and continue paddling the canoe. The river is completely empty except for Noble and me. We row close to the shore of a tiny island with no beach. The trees hang over into the water and there are sounds of bugs, and birds, and God knows what else inhabiting it. Noble takes his paddle and pushes us away from the island just as I duck under a branch and we row back to the open water.
“How deep do you think it is here?” I ask.
“I can throw you in so you can find out.”
“That won’t be necessary,” I say, and push my paddle straight down to the bottom. It touches nothing but water. “Deep,” I say, nodding my head. Noble rocks the canoe from side to side, coming within a few inches of taking on water each time. I don’t say a word. I will not give him the satisfaction. Instead I tilt my face to the blue sky and let the sun warm me. It is the most beautiful day. Almost too bright to face it even with my eyes closed. The glare is blinding. Noble bores of tormenting me and begins to row back to the house. I match his paddling and between us the canoe is charging toward home.
I stop rowing as I see Jenn, Margo, Sam, and…Sean standing on the dock.
“What’s your brother doing here?” Noble asks, his voice filled with the doom I feel.
“I don’t know. Keep rowing.” Dread settles at the bottom of my stomach.
When we get close to shore I can see them clearly, each of them staring at me with unspoken sadness. Their faces scream at me to row the other way. Something horrible has happened. I lay my paddle across my lap and listen as the devastation in Sean’s eyes cries out to me. Noble rows us to shore and gets out first, immediately turning around to help me. I run out of the water and face my brother’s stricken face.
“Mom and Dad were in a car accident. A delivery truck t-boned them on the Swedesboro Road. Mom was airlifted and is being operated on now.” Where’s Dad? “Get your stuff.”
“I’ll follow you guys,” Margo says.
“I’ll drive, Margo. We’ll follow you, Sean,” Noble says to Sean, and I grab my shoes and climb into Sean’s truck. We pull onto the lane, the one I rode in on an hour ago, and everything has changed. None of it for the better.
God’s country.
“Yes?” He brings me back to his truck. I turn to him, and watch him drive with the ease that’s always a part of him.
“Would you say I’m your best friend? That we’re best friends?” Noble takes his eyes off the road to meet mine. I’ve seen this look before. He’s not sure whether to laugh.
“Are you going to give me half a BFF necklace, or something?” He asks as if I am the most ridiculous person he’s ever known.
“I was just thinking about how things change.”
“Charlotte, what’s going on?” He’s listening closely now. We pass the cornfields, almost knee-height. How many corn crops have I passed in my lifetime?
I shake my head. “I was just thinking.”
“About what?” About what?
“You are one of my closest friends. You, Margo, Jenn, and Sam. And at Rutgers I can’t survive without Julia, Violet, and Sydney.”
“Where are you going with this?” Now he’s worried. Noble turns left and a new set of fields draws my attention.
“What happened to the others? Jason, and Ollie, and Possum? Where are Heather Miller and Dana Davino? Why aren’t we friends with them anymore? I went to Jason Leer’s birthday party every year of my life until we hit high school, and then I never hung out with him.”
“Charlotte, things change—the passage of time, circumstances—but people don’t. We’re still friends, just old friends. Jason was into the rodeo, and we weren’t. We just went in different directions.”
Noble turns onto the farm lane leading to his house and crosses the railroad tracks that sever it. An acre and a half back, we pass Jason Leer’s house on the left. His truck is parked near the barn separating his and Noble’s yards. I swallow hard at the thought of my ankle in Jason’s hand.
“Wait here,” Noble says, and pulls up near the side door of the farmhouse.
“Why?” I ask, knowing my cheeks are probably flushed. Noble notices and seems confused for the second time today. I’m not making any sense.
“Because my mother will interrogate you about my love life at Rutgers and we’ll never make it to Jenn’s.” Noble’s easy smile lights up his face. He is my best friend. “Just wait here, okay?”
Noble leaves me in the car and I can’t take my eyes off Jason’s truck. I wonder what he’s doing today, what Jenn and Margo will say if I invite him to the lake house with us. The door to Jason’s house swings open and hits the side of the house. Anyone else exiting a house that way would indicate anger, but Jason smiles as he strides over to his truck. I watch in delight. Everything is so powerful about him, and I can’t take my eyes off him. A chill runs down the back of my neck and I tilt my head to thwart it.
Jason reaches for his truck door and glances back. At the sight of me, he stops. The smile drains from his face. It’s replaced with something else. Something coercive. I should lean down in the truck. Crouch down and escape his gaze, but that would be cowardly and something about Jason Leer brings out the best and worst in me, neither of which is anywhere near fear.
He takes one step toward me as Noble practically skips out of his house. He breezes to the truck and climbs in carrying cucumbers, without even noticing Jason. As he pulls away he waves at Jason, and I sit in awe of him. We drive a few miles, me trying to understand what Jason does to me, and Noble singing along to music without a care in the world. He lowers the volume and examines me.
“Charlotte, what?”
I release myself from all things Jason Leer.
“What if the person you’re supposed to be with you’ve known your whole life? What if they’re an old friend?” Noble’s gaze is serious, and that’s terrifying.
“An old friend or a best friend?”
“Old, either, does it matter?” This line of questioning is not relaxing him.
“Is this about Brian? Are you second-guessing breaking up with him?”
“No. This is absolutely not about Brian.” Noble studies me.
“What you’re talking about will change everything. I’m not saying it never happens, just that if it ends, it never ends well.”
“Have you ever been with someone you know in your heart is the exact right person for you? That everything swirling around you just moves you closer to that person?” Noble takes his eyes off the road and looks at me as if I have a unicorn horn growing out of the center of my head.
“Did you get high before I picked you up?”
“No,” I say, and lower my head. I’m not making any sense today. None of this makes sense.
“You’re scaring me a little.”
“I know,” I say, and drop the subject. It’s a stupid one.
The drive to Jenn’s lake house is about a half hour. Noble and I spend it with the windows down and the music playing. We pull down the long gravel-cut lane winding through the woods and park behind Jenn’s and Margo’s cars.
A day on the lake is the perfect end to June, I think as I jump out of the truck and grab my bag. The cloudless sky agrees with me. This will be the last summer we’re all home together. It seems everyone branches out after their junior year. Jenn has already said she’ll be on a beach somewhere full-time and Margo wants to stay at school and take summer classes. I’m not sure what I’ll do, but it’s not going to be in Salem County if these girls don’t come home.
I hand the bag of cucumbers to Jenn and she starts washing them. “Compliments of Noble Sinclair.” I give credit where credit is due.
“Oh, Mr. Sinclair? You don’t say? I love that you still call him Noble after all these years. Can’t just commit to Nick like the rest of us,” Jenn says.
“She’s stubborn,” Noble concludes.
“It’s nice to know a farmer. I’m going to make you cucumber salad as thanks,” she says.
“I was going to bring some tomatoes too, but they’re about a week out.”
“Let’s meet back here in a week. I’ll make a tomato salad then,” she adds and begins cutting the cucumbers.
“Sam should be here any minute,” Margo says, and grabs a cucumber. “Why don’t you guys take out the canoe? It’s covered in spiders. I couldn’t get within three feet of it.” I look out the window at the lake. It’s completely still, no signs of life.
Noble and I sweep the interior of the canoe for webs before pulling it to the water’s edge and placing the paddles inside. We step into the water and gingerly board the canoe. We almost tip at Noble’s entry, but we right ourselves and set off on our sail with Noble at the bow. His neck and shoulders appear enormous from this vantage point. As he pulls the water with his paddle his biceps bulge. When we exit the shade of the coast, Noble takes off his shirt and I am in awe.
“How come you don’t have a girlfriend?” I ask, and Noble keeps paddling.
“What makes you think I don’t?”
“You wouldn’t keep something like that from me, would you?” I’m wounded at the suggestion. Noble turns around and his warm, inviting smile confuses me all the more. Why is he alone? Or is he?
“I’m just waiting for the right girl,” he says, and paddles with deep strokes that push us from shore. “Until she comes along I’m trying to meet as many wrong girls as possible,” he adds with the naughtiest grin.
“Sounds like a great plan to catch something nasty.”
“That’s very romantic, Charlotte. Just because things aren’t swirling around me, or whatever the hell you were saying earlier, doesn’t mean I’m a venereal disease waiting to be contracted.”
“Says you,” I retort, and continue paddling the canoe. The river is completely empty except for Noble and me. We row close to the shore of a tiny island with no beach. The trees hang over into the water and there are sounds of bugs, and birds, and God knows what else inhabiting it. Noble takes his paddle and pushes us away from the island just as I duck under a branch and we row back to the open water.
“How deep do you think it is here?” I ask.
“I can throw you in so you can find out.”
“That won’t be necessary,” I say, and push my paddle straight down to the bottom. It touches nothing but water. “Deep,” I say, nodding my head. Noble rocks the canoe from side to side, coming within a few inches of taking on water each time. I don’t say a word. I will not give him the satisfaction. Instead I tilt my face to the blue sky and let the sun warm me. It is the most beautiful day. Almost too bright to face it even with my eyes closed. The glare is blinding. Noble bores of tormenting me and begins to row back to the house. I match his paddling and between us the canoe is charging toward home.
I stop rowing as I see Jenn, Margo, Sam, and…Sean standing on the dock.
“What’s your brother doing here?” Noble asks, his voice filled with the doom I feel.
“I don’t know. Keep rowing.” Dread settles at the bottom of my stomach.
When we get close to shore I can see them clearly, each of them staring at me with unspoken sadness. Their faces scream at me to row the other way. Something horrible has happened. I lay my paddle across my lap and listen as the devastation in Sean’s eyes cries out to me. Noble rows us to shore and gets out first, immediately turning around to help me. I run out of the water and face my brother’s stricken face.
“Mom and Dad were in a car accident. A delivery truck t-boned them on the Swedesboro Road. Mom was airlifted and is being operated on now.” Where’s Dad? “Get your stuff.”
“I’ll follow you guys,” Margo says.
“I’ll drive, Margo. We’ll follow you, Sean,” Noble says to Sean, and I grab my shoes and climb into Sean’s truck. We pull onto the lane, the one I rode in on an hour ago, and everything has changed. None of it for the better.