As we’re having our private conversation in the far corner of Amazing Ab’s deck, beers are delivered by another shirtless guy. This one seems a little buzzed already, or perhaps his sober personality is a little annoying. It’s hard to decipher halfway into Happy Hour.
Margo rushes off to use the bathroom as he opens my beer for me and says, “I’m Mike.”
Oh great, now I’m alone and have to communicate.
“I’m mourning,” I say without smiling.
“Well, good morning!” His enthusiasm reminds me that we’re at the shore on Labor Day weekend and all the fish in the sea are down here. It’s going to be a long night so I take a long swig of my beer.
***
I unsuccessfully try to lose Mike most of the night. Even in this crowded bar it’s impossible. Eventually I discover he works for a collection agency, so his tenacity is at least explained. I begin to introduce him to any girl I can get the name of, but by now he’s pretty sloppy and most seem uninterested. He’s actually growing on me. He’s twenty-six and living in his hometown, Warminster, Pennsylvania. He’s moved out of his parents’ house, but shamelessly admits he still goes there for laundry and most meals. While he’s not the independent man most girls seek, it endears him to me a little. I still miss my parents beyond comprehension. Mike tells me about his ex-girlfriend who, in my opinion, he still loves. I’m actually starting to feel bad for him when--
“You look just like her, you know?” he says.
How the hell would I know that?
“I do?” I ask, repulsed as Mike pulls out a picture of him and her at some type of formal. Why God? Why?
“Do you want to get out of here?” he asks, slurring slightly.
Oh, what to say? Yes, but not with you. Or perhaps, no, I’m not leaving this bar until I’m sure you’ve passed out at home. I can tell he’s going to turn into a weepy fool by the end of the night.
I’ve got nothing for you, Mike.
“Okay, I’m just going to lay it out for you. I’m not interested in hearing about your ex-girlfriend, in starting a relationship, or in seeing you after this weekend. If you want to go back and have sex we can, but I’m going to need your best effort because I’m kind of in a bad place myself lately.”
Mike is stunned, then bewildered, then almost frightened. It’s becoming difficult to predict my own actions, let alone Warminster Mike’s. Either way, I’m losing my patience with him, this bar, and this night. If having sex with him is going to end it, then that’s the plan.
“Wow, Morning.” I consider interrupting him and telling him my name is Charlotte, but why bother. “That’s hot.”
Funny, because in my head it was the exact opposite of hot. He grabs my hand and starts to lead me out of the bar. I pass Margo as Jenn grabs my arm.
“Charlotte,” she says, and looks at Mike, holding my hand. “Where are you guys going?”
I lean into Jenn’s ear. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to murder him. I’m just tired and want to go to sleep.”
“Does he know that?” she asks, surveying his sloppy posture.
***
I help Mike negotiate the stairs into the house and am relieved to find he has his own room with a queen-size bed. There’s an air mattress on the floor, but no overnight bag near it.
Noticing me staring at it, Mike says, “That’s Jake’s bed. He’s not coming down until tomorrow.”
“Oh.” I watch Mike stumble onto his bed. I climb in too and give him a short kiss on the lips. When I pull away he’s smiling, but his eyes are still closed. Mike appears to be on his last leg.
“I’ll be right back,” I whisper.
He gently grabs my arm. “Where are you going?”
“I’m just getting a glass of water. Would you like one?”
“Oh yes. Thanks, Morning. You’re a sweetheart.”
Wrong again, Mike.
The house is empty. I turn on the radio and begin inventorying the kitchen. The refrigerator is packed and there are bags of food on the counters no one even bothered to put away. There are two coolers stationed under the double windows in the dining room. One has Miller and Corona Light in it, and the other has Blue Moon and Harp. I help myself to a Harp. It’s 2:30 a.m. and the rest of the house will be home soon.
I slip onto the quiet balcony and inhale the ocean air. The almost full moon drags my eyes up to appreciate it. It’s been twenty days since I’ve noticed the sky, my world consumed by darkness. I’m disgusted; the sky has betrayed me too. My gaze retreats to the end of the block and I see Jenn and Ray kissing. I can’t seem to move forward and just give in to staring at them.
God, I hate you, Jason Leer. That could be us right now. I hope your kid is born with three heads.
A tear runs down my cheek and I wipe it away with my free hand, willing myself to move toward the door.
I am so going to hell.
I stealth back into the house and up to Mike’s room. I curl up in his absent roommate’s bed and cry myself to sleep as silently as possible.
~ 4 ~
A Faint Pulse
I wake up and my mouth feels like I sucked on a wool sweater all night. My tongue has obviously been licking up dirt because it hurts to even try to swallow. I make my way to the bathroom and trip over my duffel bag outside the bedroom door. I brush my teeth, wash my face with the liquid hand soap, and since no one else is awake jump into the shower for a quick rinse.
I dry off and marvel at the healing power of a shower. Of water in general. I find a bikini in my bag and put it on. A little loose, but functional. I should have eaten more yesterday. Must eat. I go back to Mike Palmer’s—and now my—room to store my bag. The blow-up mattress is pristine. It whispers my name and I only had about five hours of sleep. I lie back down. This time I drift off peacefully.
***
The seagulls are squawking, sounding some type of bird alarm. Someone must have dropped a sandwich right outside my window. I wish I was deaf. I wish I was dead.
Begrudgingly I open my eyes and turn toward the window. Lying next to me, inappropriately close, is a guy with short brown hair and dark eyes. He’s on his side, supporting his head with one hand and smiling as I blink twice to make sure I’m not dreaming.
“Imagine my surprise,” my bedmate begins, and I can already tell this isn’t going to be good for me, “when I get down to the shore early, and the entire house is asleep, including a gorgeous blonde in my bed.”
“Good morning,” I manage without smiling. “Shocking, I’m sure,” I add with a joking tone.
“It’s not Christmas,” he continues, “so you must be a gift from God.”
If God sent you this, you are a very evil person.
“That’s Morning, and she’s with me,” Mike Palmer half-yells, then quiets, presumably because his head can’t take the volume. I silently shake my head no.
“She’s obviously with me. She’s in my bed.” God’s gift receiver responds to Mike, but never takes his eyes off me. They’re beautiful, and from what I can see from this proximity, so’s the rest of him.
“It’s purely a geographical determination,” I say dryly, but still make no move to get up. Mike stumbles to the bathroom and the sounds coming from the other side of the door indicate he’s going to be in there a while.
“Well, Goldilocks, what should we do today?”
“Are you a rapist?” I ask, my head still on my pillow.
“No,” he answers, smiling.
“A murderer?”
“No.” This time he adds a little laugh.
“Drug addict of some kind?” Maybe I can get some pills from him.
“Far from it.” He sighs. “Let’s go to the beach. You’re the only person in this house dressed for it.” I look down and see one side of my bathing suit top has slipped down in my sleep and my boob has been hanging out during the entire conversation. “Although you should cover up. It’s fine with me; it’s just not that kind of beach.”
***
We grab bagels from the bag he brought down and two bottles of water. I take my phone and sunscreen out of my overnight bag and put them into a plastic grocery bag from the floor.
“Nice beach bag,” my new friend says as he watches me with amusement.
“This relationship is only going to work if you can let go of the judging,” I explain matter-of-factly.
“Point taken,” he answers, and smiles again. He’s tall and incredibly muscular. He could kill someone if he had to. Maybe he’d accept some type of payment to beat the hell out of Jason.
Jake holds the door for me as the familiarity of him strikes me. Without knowing a thing about him I’m completely at ease. We stop at his SUV, a black Yukon, and he opens the back liftgate and grabs a beach blanket.
“Do you want a chair?” he asks, and motions to the back of the truck that’s littered with all kinds of beach paraphernalia. I shake my head to the chair, but reach in and grab a paddleball set.
“In case I want to embarrass you later.”
Am I flirting with him?
“Of course. Are you always this pleasant?”
“Pretty much.” I scrunch up my lips and nod my head. “Most people call me sweet,” I add with a mischievous smile.
My God, I am flirting with him.
The beach is almost empty. He motions for me to take the lead in choosing a location. A gentleman or he wants to check out the back of me—neither of which matter to me. I select a spot at the edge of a drop that signals the high tide mark, knowing we’ll probably be safe to stay here the entire day without moving. He puts down the blanket and without speaking we both put our flip-flops on the corners to hold it in place. It’s as if we’ve spent a hundred days at the beach together.
I drop my “bag” onto the blanket and lie down to eat my bagel. For the first time in weeks, I’m starving. I wolf down the bagel and could eat three more.
“Hungry?” he asks after witnessing the carnage.
“Judging?”
“Sorry, but I can see all your ribs. Do you have some type of tapeworm? I’m just asking since we’re sharing a bed.” He smirks. “There are some pretty high standards I like my bedmates to adhere to.”
“I’ve been on kind of an extreme diet lately,” I explain.
“There’s no way you needed to lose weight.” He’s looking me up and down with a disturbed look on his face. I continue to stare out at the horizon, wishing I could float away.
“Weight loss wasn’t the goal.” Death was.
He senses the darkness and stares out at the ocean too. I like this guy; he’s safe. But what the hell do I know about safety?
Jake interrupts my thoughts. “Your nose is already pink. You should take some sunscreen out of your fancy beach bag and apply it.”
I take out the sunscreen and start with my face. I work from my shoulders down, mercilessly squeezing the cold sunscreen directly onto my already hot skin.
I look up and he’s watching me. I hand him the sunscreen and he comes and kneels behind me. He squeezes the sunscreen into his hand and rubs it onto my back. His hands on my back are huge…and strong…and good. He works his way down to the small of my back and I arch at his touch without thinking. He leans forward, his chest resting on me, and tosses the sunscreen.
“You’re ready,” he announces in my ear.
What the hell is going on here?
“Thanks.” I clear my throat so actual words have a chance to emerge from it. “I appreciate it.” I take a long sip of water and try to cool off. The heat is suddenly unbearable. “Are you and Mike close friends?”
“Mike?”
“Your roommate?”
“Oh yeah, Mike. The guy who tried to claim you this morning.” I laugh at his choice of verbs. “I don’t even know him. I got tired of listening to my other roommate have sex every weekend. His girlfriend is very…verbal. Mike’s room had the largest amount of floor space so I moved in.” He smiles ruefully. “It’s worked out because, besides you, he’s not had much action this summer.”
“Everybody wins.” I lie back, letting the sun warm my face.
“I wouldn’t have been this forward if Mike was a close friend,” he mutters, defending his honor.
“I believe you.” And I do.
Jake lies down next to me in almost the exact position he was in when I first woke up. “Why didn’t you come down last night?” I ask.
“I had to work.”
“Oh.” I don’t bother asking where he works because I don’t care. “Are you staying tonight? I didn’t see an overnight bag in the room.”
He’s silent, and when I look at him he’s smiling. I release my death grip on utter despair and smile back at my pleasant new friend.
“You’re observant.”
“I’m just trying to work out as many details as possible regarding my sleep. Assuming Margo and Jenn won’t take me home today.”
“They’re not taking you anywhere, and you’re going to sleep exactly where you did last night,” he says, still looking at me.
“Really? Good to know. And what’s your plan for when you meet someone you’d like to bring home? Because while it’s intriguing, I’m not interested in sharing your bed with two other people. I’m used to having it to myself.” I turn my head toward him and block the sun with my hand to see his expression, which tells me nothing.
“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. Do you swim?”
“Better than I walk,” I answer, and close my eyes again.
“You’re a very unusual girl.”
I used to be usual. I think. “As in abnormal or refreshing?”
He gets up and pulls me to my feet by both hands, ignoring the question. Standing in front of him I’m able to better judge his enormity. I’m five eight, so he’s over six feet, possibly six two. He’s broad shouldered with incredible arms and a nicely defined stomach. He obviously works out, but his physique stops just short of looking like he’s on steroids. He’s commanding.
“Where were you?” Jenn yells as she and Margo make their way to our blanket. “I was beginning to think you talked Mike into driving you all the way home.”
“No, I’m here. I was just about to go in the water.” I motion toward the ocean.
Margo and Jenn, at the same time, notice Jake and their mouths drop open. “This is Jake.”
He straightens, hovering above us, and raises his eyebrows at the mention of his name. The two of us haven’t gotten to introductions. “And this is Jenn and Margo, two remarkable friends.”
I’m not sure if they’re startled at the compliment or the sight of Jake, but it’s rare to see them both rendered speechless.
“Okay,” Margo starts, “why don’t you hang with us for a few? We can maybe debrief last night.” Margo’s speaking slowly, being selective with each word.
I look at Jake.
“No problem. I’ll let you know how the water is.” He brushes up against me on his way by and I almost think he’s going to kiss me. Margo’s eyes widen. She never misses a thing.
“What the hell happened to Mike and who the hell is that?” Jenn starts, not taking her eyes off Jake as he makes his way to the water.
“I don’t know and I don’t know. I don’t think either matters.”
Jenn beams. “Charlotte Anne O’Brien, I am extremely impressed with how you are rallying.”
“She’s right. You’re progressing wonderfully,” Margo adds.
They’re both shining in the sunlight. They’ve traveled so far to be here for me, to pull me from my black hole. I’m glad they’re satisfied, but nothing’s going to change the fact that Stephanie Harding is having Jason’s baby.
We silently watch as Jake dives into the water and comes up on the other side of a wave, his swim trunks sticking to his thighs.
“Are we staying tonight or can we go home now?” I ask, unimpressed with the scenery.
“Seriously?” Jenn asks, not taking her eyes off Jake.
“You both just said I’m doing great. Last night I barely escaped Mike and tonight it’s going to be more of the same. I’m not ready to meet someone, or really even talk to anyone.”
“It looks to me like you’ve already met someone,” Margo says.
Jenn’s laughing. “And by the looks of him, why bother talking?”
“I’m serious, you two.”
“So are we!” they harmonize.
The rest of “our house” joins us and we play on the beach like children. There’s Frisbee, football, and of course paddleball, which quickly becomes a tournament. Jake beats me. Half of us spend most of the afternoon in the ocean. We swim out past the breakers and float over the incoming sets of waves and listen to them crash on the shore. It’s an absolutely perfect day with a bunch of people I hope to never see again.
***
When the sun dips in the sky I head back to the house. Freeing up the outside shower later is the least I can do since I don’t belong here. The wooden door springs shut behind me and slaps against the shaky walls. I turn on the water and peel off my wet bathing suit, dropping it on the concrete ground. The walls stop short of the roof and I can hear a mother on the sidewalk outside begging her child to stop dragging his boogie board. A wagon wheel squeaks, probably weighed down with sand buckets and shovels, as tiny feet scuff their way past this beach house. They’re heading home too. Every year of my childhood my parents took me to the Jersey Shore. I step into the water stream and lean against the shower wall. Home…
As I turn off the water it occurs to me I have no towel. I peek out the shower door and see four beach towels hanging on the line between this house and the one behind it. It’s fifteen feet away, but without a towel that doesn’t seem far. I look up to confirm no one can see me from the neighbors’ windows and run to the line, taking long jumping strides on the way. I pull down the first one, a Budweiser King of Beers towel, and wrap it around myself.
I wring out my hair as much as possible and bend over to try to shake it out. Through my legs I see Jake behind me, silently laughing as he stands outside shower door. I should care about this. The old Charlotte would try to not be naked in front of strangers, outside, while staying at houses she’s never been invited to and knows no one. I relax under Jake’s admiration. He’s going to be a problem—or a solution. I walk past him without acknowledging the past five minutes.
“The shower’s all yours,” I say as Jake’s laughter deepens and his smile broadens. I make my way into the house.
“I have that same towel,” Mike proclaims as I walk past him lying on the couch. I just keep walking and laugh. It feels good, even if I’m the joke.
***
I trip on an uneven sidewalk seam as we head into a crab house on the back bay. Jenn and Margo catch me. I can’t even walk right. I thought some of our housemates were going to come with us. It’s like they’ve completely forgotten they don’t know us. They finally relented when pizzas were delivered. We promised we’ll meet them at the Ocean Drive later. The house has been fine, but it’s nice to be just the three of us.
We’re seated at a picnic table near the water and order beers and crabs. That’s all we need. And each other.
“Do you want to come back to Hawaii with me?” Jenn asks as if the answer is obviously yes.
“Or Colorado with me?” Margo chimes in as our first round’s delivered.
“Yes…no…I don’t know. I just want to be home with my parents.” They both watch me apologetically, not knowing what to say. “Sad, I know.”
“Charlotte, you don’t deserve this,” Jenn says, and looks like she might punch someone. “What the hell was that whore Stephanie doing in Oklahoma anyway?”
“She goes to school there.” I hammer a crab. “She transferred in our junior year.” Again, I beat the crab. “She’s looked me in the eye a hundred times and every time Jason was holding my hand.” I pound the crab so hard a large piece flies off the table, and I take a sip of my beer. “I can’t even think about it. It makes me sick.”
Jenn and Margo seem a little frightened.
“Are you going to keep your job in New York?” Margo asks with a sad look on her face.
“Yes.” I take a sip of my beer and my eyes wander to the water beside us. “I have to go up there next week and meet with my boss. I have to tell him how the fairy tale ends.” I pause as the thought of it makes my stomach cramp. “How long are you guys going to be home?”
“I’m leaving Wednesday,” Margo offers.
“Next Sunday for me,” says Jenn.
“I still can’t believe you’re here. I love you guys.”
“Ahh, get this girl another,” Jenn says to break the emotional moment.
“What’s the deal with the enormous man from the beach?” Margo asks, seeking further information as usual.
“Nothing. Well, there’s definitely something, but there’ll be nothing as of tomorrow. For tonight, I don’t care what happens. I like being with him; he’s easy.”
Jenn and Margo both nod, understanding.
We eat more crabs than I think possible and Margo tells us all the Salem County gossip. I’m thankful to hear someone else is doing something worth talking about.
“Do people know I’m home?”
“Not yet, from what I can tell. I’ll keep you posted. I’m monitoring the situation closely. Oh, and Nick Sinclair’s called me a few times asking about you,” Margo says, and orders us another round.
“Noble, huh?” I ask sadly, and hammer a crab leg. If things were different Noble might be at the shore with us this weekend. He loves the shore as much as I do.
“Still calling him Noble?” Margo interrupts my thoughts. She should know better; I’ve never called him anything but Noble.
“That’s his name.”
“But no one else on the planet calls him that but you. I thought maybe when you guys went to Rutgers together you would concede,” Margo says.
“I teased him with it the first half of our lives, and now it just fits him. He’ll always be Noble to me,” I say, and the memory of a strange conversation with him in August haunts me. “I think he knew about Stephanie before I did.”
I drop my hammer on the table, disgusted. Noble was always the one to pick me up, to help me out. He’s one of my best friends. How could he have known?
“He definitely seems to know the shit hit the fan,” Margo adds.
He betrayed me too. Jason, the sky, the air, the entire fucking world including Noble Sinclair.
***
The Ocean Drive, or the OD as it’s been called for generations, is already filling up quickly. We wait in a line out front and when we are just four people from the door, Jake and two other guys come up and act like our boyfriends in order to cut the line. I can’t imagine the person that’s going to tell Jake to move back. When I get to the front I hand the bouncer my ID and notice he waves Jake in with an air of confidentiality. I raise my eyebrows but don’t ask any questions. Jake smiles and grabs my hand. I let him lead me to the bar. It’s crowded, and dark, and loud, and the energy fills me. I’ve been drained lately, unable to move in any direction. The OD brings back some remembrance of revelry. I thought I’d cut these memories out with a pair of rusted scissors, but look at that; still here.
Jake squeezes my hand and hauls me back from my thoughts. The bartender yells over the waiting customers, “Jake, what do you need?”
He turns to me.
“Miller Lite,” I say with a shrug, and he stares at me. “Please,” I add with my sweetest smile.
“Two Miller Lites!” he yells. They’re promptly delivered and he ignores the money I’ve pulled out and pays.
“Are you the mayor of Sea Isle or something?” I ask, letting my curiosity take over.
“Something like that,” he answers as he smirks and takes a long sip of his beer. I watch him as he drinks. How the hell did I get here?
The rest of the house joins us and I relax, able to blend into the anonymity of the crowd. The group blocks guys from hitting on me, and is large enough that I don’t have to interact beyond simple conversations. They’re a diverse group from what I can gather, having only spent the equivalent of about six sentences with them. Each was brought on board by a friend, or a friend of a friend, who had an extra share in their shore house. When I can, I lean back on the bar and attempt to smile. I quietly observe everyone around me who has apparently never lost a thing in their lives. They absently leave me alone, not realizing they’ve lost me.
Jason blares in my head, begging me to stay with him, to not leave him. What did he think I would do? Did he really believe I would ever be able to forgive him? The music, the crowd, none of it is enough to drown him out. Not even his death would rid me of him. He’s locked in my head. One foot in front of the other, I think, and realize I’ve stopped smiling. I put the crazy grin back on my face and inhale deeply.
Maybe going back to work will help. Something else to think about, something to engage some other part of me. The anticipation of the coming week and the thought of talking to my boss, Bruce, sours my mood. This is the problem with living; you have to actually live your life. All of it, even the shitty parts.
I decide to go to the bathroom and the strategic mission of maneuvering through the crowd takes my mind off Jason. There is, of course, a line and I lean up against the wall as I take a deep breath. I can do this. I can have a fun night. Sloppy, Too Loud, and Whiny finish in front of me and stumble out of the bathroom.
When I come out I decide to get a beer at the nearest bar rather than fight my way back to the group. I order a Miller Lite as Clint East walks up beside me.
“Clint!” I wrap my arms around him. “It’s so good to see you.” I mean it too. I’m actually glad to see him. I never thought I’d be happy to see someone from Salem County again, but since kindergarten Clint’s been pure fun.
“Charlotte, what are you doing here?” he asks, as high as a kite.
“Hanging. Margo and Jenn are here,” I say with a huge smile anchoring my face. I take it in. All of it. Clint has never been anything but a playmate and seeing him here takes me back to a time before now.
“No way. Where at?”
“They’re up by the door,” I say, pointing toward the front bar.
“Hey, Charlotte, I’m sorry about everything that happened.” Clint’s so sweet I can’t even be upset with him, but his words slap me back to reality. Everything that happened.
“It’s okay. Really. I’m going to be okay.” Not really, but we’ll go with that. I’m not going to be okay. Okay is a goal for ten years from now. That is if I’m cursed to live that long.
“Hey, I have to go, I’m working this girl over there and she’s getting mad. I have my own construction business now.” He hands me his card: Clint East Construction; I’ll make your day.
“Clint, it’s fantastic,” I say, still looking at the card, and wishing I could run away with Clint. Just run away from all of this and smoke pot, and go to the shore for the weekend, and not be what I am right now.
“I know! It took me over a year to come up with it.” Clint kisses me on the cheek. His sweet smile warms me and I can’t help giving him a big hug before he rushes over to his now obviously irate new friend.
I take my time and wander back to the front bar. I can let this go. At least for tonight I can let it go. On my way a guy grabs my arm and insists I answer a few questions for him and his friends. Doesn’t anyone care about originality anymore? I’m in such a good mood from Clint, I actually consider letting him throw his line until he pulls me close and drapes his heavy, sweaty arm around my shoulders. I duck under his arm and out of his drunken reach to see Jake watching me, leaning on the bar behind him. He’s smiling, half-laughing. Not jealous, but amused. Easy as usual. In control.
I walk over and lean into him as the band starts a new set. He wraps one arm around my waist and pulls me to him. His hips move us to the music as his eyes glance wickedly at me. I let him lead me. The band is loud. It keeps me from completing a thought.
I close my eyes and let him have me. He kisses my neck quickly and my breasts awaken. I take a deep breath, trying to think.
“I was thinking maybe we could go for a swim,” he suggests near my ear so I can hear him.
A swim, a hike, whatever you want—just don’t let go of me. I need to bury myself and if it’s not going to be underground, it’s going to be with you.
“Have you ever been swimming in the ocean at night?” I ask, knowing it’s a bit eerie.
“No, it’ll be a first.”
I nod and he grabs my hand to walk out the same way we came in. The separation of our bodies leaves me cold and wanting.
Neither of us speaks a word as we walk the four blocks to our street. Someone is going to have to say something soon or I’ll sink back into my mental obsession with all things hateful. As if he can read my thoughts, Jake turns to me and smiles, willing me to be happy with him.
Instead of going to the house he leads me right to the beach, grabbing a blanket from the back of his car. My hand is securely in his as we maneuver the soft sand and I block out the obvious questions running through my mind. What the hell are you doing out here, Charlotte? Now you swim at night? What else do you do?
Jake turns to face me half the distance to the water. The moon is full and I can see his profile clearly. His eyes are serious as he pulls me toward him and kisses me without hesitation. His hands are on my back, pulling me up to him as his tongue explores me. I’m lost somewhere between the chiseled perfection of his chest and the throbbing between my legs. He returns me to the ground, and I step back to regain my footing and breathing. It’s been years since I’ve kissed anyone but Ja--
“How about that swim?” He saves me from my thoughts.
“Right,” I say, and let my eyes wander to the ocean.
He’s already taking off his shirt when I look back. His chest is brilliant in the moonlight and I shamelessly stare at him as he removes his belt. I still haven’t moved when he lowers his shorts. I blush, not at his nudity, but at the size of him. Jake…is…enormous. My God, why were we in that bar in the first place? I blink a few times and his laughter brings me back to the surface. He walks toward me and I force my eyes to meet his.
“Impressive,” I say. Because I am a moron.
“Thank you.” He lifts my dress over my head. I weakly lift my arms, happy for him to take care of me. Jake seems surprised I have no underwear on.
“Jenn only packed me thongs and it just seemed unnecessary,” I explain, sounding more and more deranged.
“Unnecessary.” He nods his head in mocking agreement, turns, grabs my hand, and walks toward the ocean.
“Aren’t you afraid of getting arrested?” I ask.
“No, that’s one thing I’m not afraid of.”
I dive underwater and come up alone. The moonlight on the ocean makes it look as black as oil. My skin’s like porcelain floating up and bobbing in the water. It is unearthly. Jake pops up next to me, and I exhale as he pulls me toward him. I wrap my arms and legs around him.
“What are you afraid of, Goldilocks?”
“Not much these days,” I answer dispassionately.
“How can someone so young feel that way?” Jake moves my wet hair away from my face.
“When you discover you have nothing more to lose, you stop being afraid of things.”
Apparently, it’s quite freeing.
I can hear music coming from the deck of a beachfront house, and bury my head in his neck and I feel good. And he feels good beneath me.
“I know your name is not Morning,” he says softly, colluding with me.
“I never said it was.” I lean back from him. Jake runs his hand between my breasts and down my stomach.
“Are you running from the law?” He seems unduly serious but it could have something to do with the nudity.
“No, not the law,” I say, and dip my hair back in the water. I arch further back and submerge my whole head. The ocean is warm tonight. It’s welcoming me back. “Hey, can you give me a boost?” I ask, pulling myself back up.
“A boost?” he asks hesitantly.
“Yeah, a boost. Make a cradle with your hands and on three, throw me backward.”
“Oh right, a boost. Sure.” He threads his fingers into a basket and I put my left leg into it. I grab his shoulders to steady myself.
“You have to wait until a wave comes so I don’t break my neck, but the plan is a back flip. You feeling it?” I ask mischievously.
“Oh, I’m feeling it,” he says, and I think we’re talking about two separate things.
“Here comes a set,” I say, looking behind me. “One, two…our bounce is off…it’s all in the timing. We have to go up and down together.”
“Yes, got it,” he says, staring at me with eyes that are clearly not talking about throwing me anywhere.
“One, two, three!” He pulls up as I push off his chest and I fly into a back flip before hitting the water feet first. I linger underwater. In this ocean I am young, inexperienced with death and dismay. It’s been years since I’ve had a boost in the water and I want to go back to that time. I surface ready to go again. “That was awesome! You’re strong. I’ve never gone that high.”
Jake swims over to me and takes me in his arms, kissing me with a power I crumble under. He lifts me up and my breasts break the surface of the water as his dark eyes ask permission, and I smile. I’m as light as a feather as he carries me to the sand and lays me flat on my back. He’s humongous and strong, but cradles me, not letting his full weight crush me. His lips are gentle at first, but give way to a hunger that’s building. I reach down and grab him, still shocked by the size. It’s not just the length, but the width. Girth, this is the perfect time to utilize the word girth.
“How’s that, Goldilocks?” He breathes the words as he kisses the side of my neck.
“I think it might be too big.” I grin, but I think he could break me in half with that thing. “I’m sure you get that a lot.”
“I have heard it before. How about we take it slow?”
I roll him over onto his back and take in the full view. This must be some kind of cruel joke. Only I could land on this my first night out of the gate. I lie on top of him, my legs spread around him, and as he kisses me his hard-on caresses all the right places and I feel the heat between my legs rise up to my breasts and settle in the back of my throat. If he keeps this up I’ll come without him even entering me. I stop moving and try to steady my breathing. I silence all the questions: Who am I? What have I become? Why is this okay? Just breathe, Charlotte.
“I think I’m ready.”
He rolls me over and positions himself between my legs. He puts on a condom and eases himself into me. I breathe deeply and try to relax, knowing tensing up will only make things more difficult. He’s by far the largest man I’ve ever been with. That’s not saying much since there have only been two others, but he must be exceptional.
“Is that in? All the way?” I ask, hopeful.
“Not all the way, but if you need me to stop, I will.”
“No, keep going. It’s okay.” I kiss him hard to try to block out the enormous intrusion breaking me. He tries again, but I wince and squeeze my legs together, my self-preservation instinct taking over. He’s touching me everywhere. He fills me completely and I want more every time he pulls out. Jake continues this strange intercourse that perplexes my body. I again begin to breathe heavily and find myself losing my grasp. I throw my hands up and give in with a quiet moan and a convulsion that has nowhere to go because he’s everywhere. What an odd orgasm. I brace myself as Jake finishes, hoping he doesn’t finish me.
Jake lies on top of me, still supporting most of his weight to not crush me, and I run my fingertips across his back. I swirl them and listen to the ocean, and without thinking I kiss his neck.
“Are you always this careful?” I ask, thankful for his restraint.
“Yes,” Jake says, sounding a little regretful. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have to think during sex.”
“That’s tragic.”
“Aww, you can be sweet.”
“I told you,” I taunt as I roll back on top of him and kiss him again, enjoying him beneath me. Jake wraps his arms tightly around my back, holding me close to him. The clouds have covered the moon and it’s pitch-black out. I can’t see a thing two feet away, but the sounds of the waves breaking on the shore settle me. It’s not long before I feel him ready.
“Would you like to try this again?” I offer, not sure what I’m doing to myself. I am into the pain thing now.
“Really?” He’s taken aback. “I don’t get a lot of repeat offers in one night.”
“I can imagine. I want to try something.”
He is shameless. “I’m all yours.”
“Put a condom on and follow me.”
He pulls another condom out of his pants pocket and rolls it on.
“Do you carry a lot of those with you?”
He sighs. “They tend to break a lot.”
“Right. Of course.” Because they don’t make them in size Prodigious.
I walk down to the water and wade in. My mother’s pleas not to swim in the ocean at night fly through my head as I run my fingers over the water. She wouldn’t want me to swim without a lifeguard, regardless of the time of day. You were my lifeguard, Mom. Where are you now? She’d want me to be happy. My mother would want me to feel something other than a strong desire to die. She’d want me to live.
Jake follows me, and when we’re just about waist deep I turn to him and wrap my arms and legs around him, forgetting about my mother and what she’d want. I point to the left, just past the wave break, and ask him to move over there. He walks with me hanging on him like fruit on a tree, his trunk hanging between his legs.
“I want you to have sex with me in the water. I think it might make things a little easier,” I say, and Jake is confused and a little uneasy. “Move about a foot deeper.” He obliges and now his waist is almost submerged. “I’m going to lie back and float with my legs around your waist.”
“You’re going to drown,” he says, dismissing my idea.
“Have a little faith. I told you I’m an excellent swimmer.”
I lie back and float on the surface, connected to him at his waist. He’s staring at me with a renewed longing. The motion of the water on my naked body is intoxicating.
“Oh, one more thing,” I say as I pull myself back up to him. “Just do what feels good to you. Don’t worry about me.”
“No way,” he says, and starts to pull away.
“I mean it. I’ll be fine. If at any time you’re hurting me I’ll say stop, but until then just move when your body tells you to. And if I go underwater, I’ll come right back up.”
I lie back down and float in the water. I stare at the moon as the clouds release it and wonder what Jason’s doing tonight. I’m guessing not this.
“What are you waiting for?” I ask.
Jake runs his hand over the small mermaid tail tattoo decorating my right hip.
“You’re beautiful, you know. And a little scary.”
“I know.” He laughs at me.
Extremely slowly and gently he begins to enter me. It’s much less painful than before. “It’s okay. Try and go all the way in.”
I spread my arms out to the side to help steady me and let him support from my hips down. I’m floating on the water’s surface but the waves push over me and send water trickling down my stomach and between my legs. It tickles and teases. He pushes in farther and I swear he’s the largest man on earth. A carnival attraction in all the right ways. I know he’s watching my every move. He runs his hand up my stomach and grabs my nipple.
“It’s all the way in and it…is…amazing,” he murmurs, gratitude mixed with desire in his voice.
“See, it’s fine.” I hope I can do this. Jake pulls out with the precision and gentle touch of a bomb defuser. I want him to let go, to feel what I feel. It’s empty without him. I tighten my legs around his waist and stroke him with my hand while he watches. I let go and when his eyes find mine, they convey how ready I am.
He eases back into me, a little more confident this time. I bite my bottom lip.
“It’s good on my end too. Now don’t think.”
Jake raises me up and kisses me hard on the lips. I pull away to see him in the pitch-black night. He gently places me back on the surface of the water. It runs over my face and I lick the saltiness from my lips. Jake grabs my hips and moves in again. This time it’s even less painful. He’s out and in, and everywhere. Him coming out is making me twice as crazy as him entering. He starts to move faster and I’m sure I’m going to lose my mind. I’m floating with nothing to hold on to, naked in the moonlight. It’s erotic. It’s a loss of control I hadn’t anticipated.
“You are…a…genius, Goldi,” he says, taking breaths between each word. I close my eyes and let his rhythm take me over. I arch my back and try to keep my head above water. When I look up I see his face pointing toward the moon and I come, sucking in a big breath. He comes too, saying, “Oh yeah!” Pride mixed with gratitude—and Jake—fill me, and for a small moment I almost feel whole again.
A wave washes over me and my face goes underwater. I think I might stay down here and just end things on this note. It seems like a good one. He pulls me up and into his arms and I bury my face in his neck, exhausted. I’m shivering now, trying to recover. He wraps his arms around me tighter and walks out of the water.
“Thank you,” he says, and I kiss the side of his neck and run my hand up the back of his head. “Let’s go take a hot shower and warm you up.”
Jake’s face is soft and sweet, and I want to melt into his arms and not raise my head again. I want him to erase it all.
I ignore the fact that I’m soaking wet and put on my dress. He manages to get his shorts on, but they’re sticking to him. We sneak back to the house without detection and I turn on the water in the outside shower.
“Did anyone ever tell you that you’d make a good homeless person?” he asks. I am homeless. “I’ll get us some towels,” he says, and walks away. The water is hot and soothing on my back. I look at my watch and it’s only 12:30.
Jake joins me in the shower and washes my hair, then my body. He’s gentle and careful, in control again. He wraps me in a towel and carries me into the house and upstairs to his room.
I put on one of his t-shirts and go to the bathroom. It burns and I consider what kind of damage I’ve inflicted on myself. When I return to the room, he’s gotten me a glass of water and is lying in the bed waiting for me. I crawl in and curl up in his arms, my face buried in his chest.
“This is another first for me, you know?” Jake asks.
“No. You should have told me you were a virgin.”
He laughs. “No, but you are the first smart ass I’ve had sex with.”
“Oh, I’m your first girl from Jersey?”
“I was actually going to say being with a girl before I even know her name. So, you’re from Jersey?” He uses his new information immediately.
“Today, yes. As of three weeks ago, Manhattan. Before that, Rutgers University, and I’m supposed to be living in Oklahoma right now.” My words trail off as I add, “My plans changed unexpectedly.”
I know without looking up that he’s staring at me with that disturbed look I often get these days. “This is a first for me too,” I add, hoping to change the subject.
“Oh? First time having sex in the water?” he assumes.
“Oh no, I’ve been in pools and lakes—both in boats and submerged. Also on a dock, but I’m not sure if that counts as a water excursion or not.” I rattle this off, not considering what a slut it makes me sound like. Who cares though? If he had any respect for me, he surely left it on the beach.
“Oh,” he says, a little in shock.
“Big Jacques Cousteau fan.” I slowly recover. “It’s the first time I’ve been with someone I haven’t known since first grade.”
It’s the truth and it makes me sound a lot better.
“Really? How many people have you been with?”
“Counting you?” I move my head as if performing long mental calculations. “Three.”
“I’m the third person you’ve ever had sex with?” he asks, not sure he believes me.
“Yes. Why?” I sound properly offended.
“I have no idea what to think of you. You, Goldilocks, are like no one I’ve ever met in my life, and I meet a lot of people.”
I fall asleep in Jake’s arms, very thankful he found me in his bed.
~ 5 ~
Morning, Mourning
I wake up and reach for my phone. I silence it and send a text to Margo and Jenn.
Can we please go home now?
I’ve had more fun than I can handle.
Literally. I’d like to get out of here without talking to Jake. He looks tough even in his sleep. Even though I’ve never seen him even annoyed, you just know not to mess with him. Maybe he’s a Marine. I see his wallet and consider looking in it, but why? Isn’t the goal to never see him again? I’ve known him almost exactly twenty-four hours. He is terribly likable. Too bad I’m not.
My phone vibrates twice. From Margo I get:
Why? R u ok? I think we should stay. I like ur new friend. I want to leave u w/him when I go back to CO.
And from Jenn:
NO
I roll over, willing myself back to sleep. When that doesn’t work I get up and tiptoe out to the bathroom. Jake must have locked the door because it takes me a minute to figure out how to get out. I pee, and again, it hurts like hell. I’m going to have to buy one of those donuts at the drug store to sit on this week. No wonder he’s so calm and controlled. He’s got a giant secret in his pants.
I brush my teeth and wash my face, trying to figure out what today will bring. What am I going to tell him? “Jake’s cool. That’s why you like him. This is going to be fine,” I say to myself in the mirror, but it doesn’t suppress my nervousness.
I crawl back into bed and notice Jake’s morning hard-on. My goodness, I’d have to become deeply creative to take this on full time. He rolls over and spoons me, poking me in the butt, and the back, with his big fat good morning. I brace myself because I know some sort of conversation’s coming.
“Good morning,” he says into my ear.
“That’s my name,” I respond.
“Speaking of that, I was thinking maybe you could tell me your real name, especially since somehow you magically know mine.” He makes room and rolls me over onto my back, facing him. He’s serious, but happy.
“I was thinking about it too, and I think things are perfect exactly the way they are.” Jake studies me. “In the past twenty-four hours you’ve done something no one else has been able to do in three weeks, and I don’t want to ruin it.”
“What did I do?”
“You took my mind off things.” I look away from him, unwilling to burden him with the whole story. He’s given me so much, let me get lost in him, to torture him with this tale seems unfair.
“I get that you’re in a bad place,” he begins. “But I haven’t met a girl I find half as intriguing as you in years. And the fact that you were delivered to me yesterday means something.”
I consider his remarks. More of this “God’s Plan” mumbo jumbo I’ve had shoved down my throat since my grandmother died. Could he possibly believe God sent him a blonde in distress, delivered me to his bed to fuck him in the moonlit ocean? Sounds like a generous God, not the one I’m familiar with.
“Let’s say for a minute that it does mean something. But if it does, you were sent to me, not the other way around,” I explain. “I’m going to return the favor and never see you again. Believe me, you’ll be better off.”
He takes a deep breath and his lips close to a fine line.
“Listen, you need to get a pool or start working out at a gym with a pool,” I explain.
“Why’s that?”
“So you can meet a nice girl who swims, or at least floats well.” I laugh.
“I don’t think this is as funny as you do.” Jake’s frustrated with my insolence, and all I can think about is how much I want to be in my car driving away. I can’t hurt or be hurt anymore. I’ve reached a limit. There are no additional items allowed on this express line of pain. It’s time to escape this house, and Jake, and the very concept of living.
He stands up and regains his usual control; he’s distant though. “I’m going for a run,” he says, and grabs his car keys. I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, confirming in my mind there’s no point in getting to know Jake better. There’s nothing left of me to know. I search through Mike’s things and find paper and a pencil.
Jake,
I’m toxic. Thank you for the past 24 hours. I can’t selfishly take you home with me, as much as I’d love to. My misery doesn’t deserve your company. I’ll think of you often, including each time I sit down for the next few days. You’re a beautiful man. A rare find…and I’m not speaking anatomically.
Yours in the water,
Charlotte Anne O’Brien
Jersey Fresh
I fold it in half and put it under his wallet. It’s time to get the hell out of here. I text Jenn and Margo again:
Code RED.
Seriously, it’s time to go.
Exchange the info, say your goodbyes, and get your crap.
I’ll be at the car in 10 minutes.
I’ve been a very good girl—now reward me.
***
Margo and Jenn close the car doors without a word and we head west toward Salem County.
“Jenn, did you tell Ray about me?” I ask.
“Yeah, why?” she answers as she turns onto the causeway.
“Is he friends with Jake?”
“They’re both troopers,” Margo says.
“What?” I snap, turning around to see her in the backseat.
“Ray and Jake are both state troopers. They’re stationed at the same barracks. He didn’t tell you?”
“I never asked,” I say as I think back over his behavior and demeanor. “I’m glad I didn’t offer him money to hurt Jason,” I think out loud.
Margo and Jenn start laughing, but I’m still lost in thought. A New Jersey State Trooper. A decent human sworn to uphold the law and protect me. But what do I need protection from? It’s all inflicted its mortal wound by now. There’s nothing left to protect.
Margo rushes off to use the bathroom as he opens my beer for me and says, “I’m Mike.”
Oh great, now I’m alone and have to communicate.
“I’m mourning,” I say without smiling.
“Well, good morning!” His enthusiasm reminds me that we’re at the shore on Labor Day weekend and all the fish in the sea are down here. It’s going to be a long night so I take a long swig of my beer.
***
I unsuccessfully try to lose Mike most of the night. Even in this crowded bar it’s impossible. Eventually I discover he works for a collection agency, so his tenacity is at least explained. I begin to introduce him to any girl I can get the name of, but by now he’s pretty sloppy and most seem uninterested. He’s actually growing on me. He’s twenty-six and living in his hometown, Warminster, Pennsylvania. He’s moved out of his parents’ house, but shamelessly admits he still goes there for laundry and most meals. While he’s not the independent man most girls seek, it endears him to me a little. I still miss my parents beyond comprehension. Mike tells me about his ex-girlfriend who, in my opinion, he still loves. I’m actually starting to feel bad for him when--
“You look just like her, you know?” he says.
How the hell would I know that?
“I do?” I ask, repulsed as Mike pulls out a picture of him and her at some type of formal. Why God? Why?
“Do you want to get out of here?” he asks, slurring slightly.
Oh, what to say? Yes, but not with you. Or perhaps, no, I’m not leaving this bar until I’m sure you’ve passed out at home. I can tell he’s going to turn into a weepy fool by the end of the night.
I’ve got nothing for you, Mike.
“Okay, I’m just going to lay it out for you. I’m not interested in hearing about your ex-girlfriend, in starting a relationship, or in seeing you after this weekend. If you want to go back and have sex we can, but I’m going to need your best effort because I’m kind of in a bad place myself lately.”
Mike is stunned, then bewildered, then almost frightened. It’s becoming difficult to predict my own actions, let alone Warminster Mike’s. Either way, I’m losing my patience with him, this bar, and this night. If having sex with him is going to end it, then that’s the plan.
“Wow, Morning.” I consider interrupting him and telling him my name is Charlotte, but why bother. “That’s hot.”
Funny, because in my head it was the exact opposite of hot. He grabs my hand and starts to lead me out of the bar. I pass Margo as Jenn grabs my arm.
“Charlotte,” she says, and looks at Mike, holding my hand. “Where are you guys going?”
I lean into Jenn’s ear. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to murder him. I’m just tired and want to go to sleep.”
“Does he know that?” she asks, surveying his sloppy posture.
***
I help Mike negotiate the stairs into the house and am relieved to find he has his own room with a queen-size bed. There’s an air mattress on the floor, but no overnight bag near it.
Noticing me staring at it, Mike says, “That’s Jake’s bed. He’s not coming down until tomorrow.”
“Oh.” I watch Mike stumble onto his bed. I climb in too and give him a short kiss on the lips. When I pull away he’s smiling, but his eyes are still closed. Mike appears to be on his last leg.
“I’ll be right back,” I whisper.
He gently grabs my arm. “Where are you going?”
“I’m just getting a glass of water. Would you like one?”
“Oh yes. Thanks, Morning. You’re a sweetheart.”
Wrong again, Mike.
The house is empty. I turn on the radio and begin inventorying the kitchen. The refrigerator is packed and there are bags of food on the counters no one even bothered to put away. There are two coolers stationed under the double windows in the dining room. One has Miller and Corona Light in it, and the other has Blue Moon and Harp. I help myself to a Harp. It’s 2:30 a.m. and the rest of the house will be home soon.
I slip onto the quiet balcony and inhale the ocean air. The almost full moon drags my eyes up to appreciate it. It’s been twenty days since I’ve noticed the sky, my world consumed by darkness. I’m disgusted; the sky has betrayed me too. My gaze retreats to the end of the block and I see Jenn and Ray kissing. I can’t seem to move forward and just give in to staring at them.
God, I hate you, Jason Leer. That could be us right now. I hope your kid is born with three heads.
A tear runs down my cheek and I wipe it away with my free hand, willing myself to move toward the door.
I am so going to hell.
I stealth back into the house and up to Mike’s room. I curl up in his absent roommate’s bed and cry myself to sleep as silently as possible.
~ 4 ~
A Faint Pulse
I wake up and my mouth feels like I sucked on a wool sweater all night. My tongue has obviously been licking up dirt because it hurts to even try to swallow. I make my way to the bathroom and trip over my duffel bag outside the bedroom door. I brush my teeth, wash my face with the liquid hand soap, and since no one else is awake jump into the shower for a quick rinse.
I dry off and marvel at the healing power of a shower. Of water in general. I find a bikini in my bag and put it on. A little loose, but functional. I should have eaten more yesterday. Must eat. I go back to Mike Palmer’s—and now my—room to store my bag. The blow-up mattress is pristine. It whispers my name and I only had about five hours of sleep. I lie back down. This time I drift off peacefully.
***
The seagulls are squawking, sounding some type of bird alarm. Someone must have dropped a sandwich right outside my window. I wish I was deaf. I wish I was dead.
Begrudgingly I open my eyes and turn toward the window. Lying next to me, inappropriately close, is a guy with short brown hair and dark eyes. He’s on his side, supporting his head with one hand and smiling as I blink twice to make sure I’m not dreaming.
“Imagine my surprise,” my bedmate begins, and I can already tell this isn’t going to be good for me, “when I get down to the shore early, and the entire house is asleep, including a gorgeous blonde in my bed.”
“Good morning,” I manage without smiling. “Shocking, I’m sure,” I add with a joking tone.
“It’s not Christmas,” he continues, “so you must be a gift from God.”
If God sent you this, you are a very evil person.
“That’s Morning, and she’s with me,” Mike Palmer half-yells, then quiets, presumably because his head can’t take the volume. I silently shake my head no.
“She’s obviously with me. She’s in my bed.” God’s gift receiver responds to Mike, but never takes his eyes off me. They’re beautiful, and from what I can see from this proximity, so’s the rest of him.
“It’s purely a geographical determination,” I say dryly, but still make no move to get up. Mike stumbles to the bathroom and the sounds coming from the other side of the door indicate he’s going to be in there a while.
“Well, Goldilocks, what should we do today?”
“Are you a rapist?” I ask, my head still on my pillow.
“No,” he answers, smiling.
“A murderer?”
“No.” This time he adds a little laugh.
“Drug addict of some kind?” Maybe I can get some pills from him.
“Far from it.” He sighs. “Let’s go to the beach. You’re the only person in this house dressed for it.” I look down and see one side of my bathing suit top has slipped down in my sleep and my boob has been hanging out during the entire conversation. “Although you should cover up. It’s fine with me; it’s just not that kind of beach.”
***
We grab bagels from the bag he brought down and two bottles of water. I take my phone and sunscreen out of my overnight bag and put them into a plastic grocery bag from the floor.
“Nice beach bag,” my new friend says as he watches me with amusement.
“This relationship is only going to work if you can let go of the judging,” I explain matter-of-factly.
“Point taken,” he answers, and smiles again. He’s tall and incredibly muscular. He could kill someone if he had to. Maybe he’d accept some type of payment to beat the hell out of Jason.
Jake holds the door for me as the familiarity of him strikes me. Without knowing a thing about him I’m completely at ease. We stop at his SUV, a black Yukon, and he opens the back liftgate and grabs a beach blanket.
“Do you want a chair?” he asks, and motions to the back of the truck that’s littered with all kinds of beach paraphernalia. I shake my head to the chair, but reach in and grab a paddleball set.
“In case I want to embarrass you later.”
Am I flirting with him?
“Of course. Are you always this pleasant?”
“Pretty much.” I scrunch up my lips and nod my head. “Most people call me sweet,” I add with a mischievous smile.
My God, I am flirting with him.
The beach is almost empty. He motions for me to take the lead in choosing a location. A gentleman or he wants to check out the back of me—neither of which matter to me. I select a spot at the edge of a drop that signals the high tide mark, knowing we’ll probably be safe to stay here the entire day without moving. He puts down the blanket and without speaking we both put our flip-flops on the corners to hold it in place. It’s as if we’ve spent a hundred days at the beach together.
I drop my “bag” onto the blanket and lie down to eat my bagel. For the first time in weeks, I’m starving. I wolf down the bagel and could eat three more.
“Hungry?” he asks after witnessing the carnage.
“Judging?”
“Sorry, but I can see all your ribs. Do you have some type of tapeworm? I’m just asking since we’re sharing a bed.” He smirks. “There are some pretty high standards I like my bedmates to adhere to.”
“I’ve been on kind of an extreme diet lately,” I explain.
“There’s no way you needed to lose weight.” He’s looking me up and down with a disturbed look on his face. I continue to stare out at the horizon, wishing I could float away.
“Weight loss wasn’t the goal.” Death was.
He senses the darkness and stares out at the ocean too. I like this guy; he’s safe. But what the hell do I know about safety?
Jake interrupts my thoughts. “Your nose is already pink. You should take some sunscreen out of your fancy beach bag and apply it.”
I take out the sunscreen and start with my face. I work from my shoulders down, mercilessly squeezing the cold sunscreen directly onto my already hot skin.
I look up and he’s watching me. I hand him the sunscreen and he comes and kneels behind me. He squeezes the sunscreen into his hand and rubs it onto my back. His hands on my back are huge…and strong…and good. He works his way down to the small of my back and I arch at his touch without thinking. He leans forward, his chest resting on me, and tosses the sunscreen.
“You’re ready,” he announces in my ear.
What the hell is going on here?
“Thanks.” I clear my throat so actual words have a chance to emerge from it. “I appreciate it.” I take a long sip of water and try to cool off. The heat is suddenly unbearable. “Are you and Mike close friends?”
“Mike?”
“Your roommate?”
“Oh yeah, Mike. The guy who tried to claim you this morning.” I laugh at his choice of verbs. “I don’t even know him. I got tired of listening to my other roommate have sex every weekend. His girlfriend is very…verbal. Mike’s room had the largest amount of floor space so I moved in.” He smiles ruefully. “It’s worked out because, besides you, he’s not had much action this summer.”
“Everybody wins.” I lie back, letting the sun warm my face.
“I wouldn’t have been this forward if Mike was a close friend,” he mutters, defending his honor.
“I believe you.” And I do.
Jake lies down next to me in almost the exact position he was in when I first woke up. “Why didn’t you come down last night?” I ask.
“I had to work.”
“Oh.” I don’t bother asking where he works because I don’t care. “Are you staying tonight? I didn’t see an overnight bag in the room.”
He’s silent, and when I look at him he’s smiling. I release my death grip on utter despair and smile back at my pleasant new friend.
“You’re observant.”
“I’m just trying to work out as many details as possible regarding my sleep. Assuming Margo and Jenn won’t take me home today.”
“They’re not taking you anywhere, and you’re going to sleep exactly where you did last night,” he says, still looking at me.
“Really? Good to know. And what’s your plan for when you meet someone you’d like to bring home? Because while it’s intriguing, I’m not interested in sharing your bed with two other people. I’m used to having it to myself.” I turn my head toward him and block the sun with my hand to see his expression, which tells me nothing.
“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. Do you swim?”
“Better than I walk,” I answer, and close my eyes again.
“You’re a very unusual girl.”
I used to be usual. I think. “As in abnormal or refreshing?”
He gets up and pulls me to my feet by both hands, ignoring the question. Standing in front of him I’m able to better judge his enormity. I’m five eight, so he’s over six feet, possibly six two. He’s broad shouldered with incredible arms and a nicely defined stomach. He obviously works out, but his physique stops just short of looking like he’s on steroids. He’s commanding.
“Where were you?” Jenn yells as she and Margo make their way to our blanket. “I was beginning to think you talked Mike into driving you all the way home.”
“No, I’m here. I was just about to go in the water.” I motion toward the ocean.
Margo and Jenn, at the same time, notice Jake and their mouths drop open. “This is Jake.”
He straightens, hovering above us, and raises his eyebrows at the mention of his name. The two of us haven’t gotten to introductions. “And this is Jenn and Margo, two remarkable friends.”
I’m not sure if they’re startled at the compliment or the sight of Jake, but it’s rare to see them both rendered speechless.
“Okay,” Margo starts, “why don’t you hang with us for a few? We can maybe debrief last night.” Margo’s speaking slowly, being selective with each word.
I look at Jake.
“No problem. I’ll let you know how the water is.” He brushes up against me on his way by and I almost think he’s going to kiss me. Margo’s eyes widen. She never misses a thing.
“What the hell happened to Mike and who the hell is that?” Jenn starts, not taking her eyes off Jake as he makes his way to the water.
“I don’t know and I don’t know. I don’t think either matters.”
Jenn beams. “Charlotte Anne O’Brien, I am extremely impressed with how you are rallying.”
“She’s right. You’re progressing wonderfully,” Margo adds.
They’re both shining in the sunlight. They’ve traveled so far to be here for me, to pull me from my black hole. I’m glad they’re satisfied, but nothing’s going to change the fact that Stephanie Harding is having Jason’s baby.
We silently watch as Jake dives into the water and comes up on the other side of a wave, his swim trunks sticking to his thighs.
“Are we staying tonight or can we go home now?” I ask, unimpressed with the scenery.
“Seriously?” Jenn asks, not taking her eyes off Jake.
“You both just said I’m doing great. Last night I barely escaped Mike and tonight it’s going to be more of the same. I’m not ready to meet someone, or really even talk to anyone.”
“It looks to me like you’ve already met someone,” Margo says.
Jenn’s laughing. “And by the looks of him, why bother talking?”
“I’m serious, you two.”
“So are we!” they harmonize.
The rest of “our house” joins us and we play on the beach like children. There’s Frisbee, football, and of course paddleball, which quickly becomes a tournament. Jake beats me. Half of us spend most of the afternoon in the ocean. We swim out past the breakers and float over the incoming sets of waves and listen to them crash on the shore. It’s an absolutely perfect day with a bunch of people I hope to never see again.
***
When the sun dips in the sky I head back to the house. Freeing up the outside shower later is the least I can do since I don’t belong here. The wooden door springs shut behind me and slaps against the shaky walls. I turn on the water and peel off my wet bathing suit, dropping it on the concrete ground. The walls stop short of the roof and I can hear a mother on the sidewalk outside begging her child to stop dragging his boogie board. A wagon wheel squeaks, probably weighed down with sand buckets and shovels, as tiny feet scuff their way past this beach house. They’re heading home too. Every year of my childhood my parents took me to the Jersey Shore. I step into the water stream and lean against the shower wall. Home…
As I turn off the water it occurs to me I have no towel. I peek out the shower door and see four beach towels hanging on the line between this house and the one behind it. It’s fifteen feet away, but without a towel that doesn’t seem far. I look up to confirm no one can see me from the neighbors’ windows and run to the line, taking long jumping strides on the way. I pull down the first one, a Budweiser King of Beers towel, and wrap it around myself.
I wring out my hair as much as possible and bend over to try to shake it out. Through my legs I see Jake behind me, silently laughing as he stands outside shower door. I should care about this. The old Charlotte would try to not be naked in front of strangers, outside, while staying at houses she’s never been invited to and knows no one. I relax under Jake’s admiration. He’s going to be a problem—or a solution. I walk past him without acknowledging the past five minutes.
“The shower’s all yours,” I say as Jake’s laughter deepens and his smile broadens. I make my way into the house.
“I have that same towel,” Mike proclaims as I walk past him lying on the couch. I just keep walking and laugh. It feels good, even if I’m the joke.
***
I trip on an uneven sidewalk seam as we head into a crab house on the back bay. Jenn and Margo catch me. I can’t even walk right. I thought some of our housemates were going to come with us. It’s like they’ve completely forgotten they don’t know us. They finally relented when pizzas were delivered. We promised we’ll meet them at the Ocean Drive later. The house has been fine, but it’s nice to be just the three of us.
We’re seated at a picnic table near the water and order beers and crabs. That’s all we need. And each other.
“Do you want to come back to Hawaii with me?” Jenn asks as if the answer is obviously yes.
“Or Colorado with me?” Margo chimes in as our first round’s delivered.
“Yes…no…I don’t know. I just want to be home with my parents.” They both watch me apologetically, not knowing what to say. “Sad, I know.”
“Charlotte, you don’t deserve this,” Jenn says, and looks like she might punch someone. “What the hell was that whore Stephanie doing in Oklahoma anyway?”
“She goes to school there.” I hammer a crab. “She transferred in our junior year.” Again, I beat the crab. “She’s looked me in the eye a hundred times and every time Jason was holding my hand.” I pound the crab so hard a large piece flies off the table, and I take a sip of my beer. “I can’t even think about it. It makes me sick.”
Jenn and Margo seem a little frightened.
“Are you going to keep your job in New York?” Margo asks with a sad look on her face.
“Yes.” I take a sip of my beer and my eyes wander to the water beside us. “I have to go up there next week and meet with my boss. I have to tell him how the fairy tale ends.” I pause as the thought of it makes my stomach cramp. “How long are you guys going to be home?”
“I’m leaving Wednesday,” Margo offers.
“Next Sunday for me,” says Jenn.
“I still can’t believe you’re here. I love you guys.”
“Ahh, get this girl another,” Jenn says to break the emotional moment.
“What’s the deal with the enormous man from the beach?” Margo asks, seeking further information as usual.
“Nothing. Well, there’s definitely something, but there’ll be nothing as of tomorrow. For tonight, I don’t care what happens. I like being with him; he’s easy.”
Jenn and Margo both nod, understanding.
We eat more crabs than I think possible and Margo tells us all the Salem County gossip. I’m thankful to hear someone else is doing something worth talking about.
“Do people know I’m home?”
“Not yet, from what I can tell. I’ll keep you posted. I’m monitoring the situation closely. Oh, and Nick Sinclair’s called me a few times asking about you,” Margo says, and orders us another round.
“Noble, huh?” I ask sadly, and hammer a crab leg. If things were different Noble might be at the shore with us this weekend. He loves the shore as much as I do.
“Still calling him Noble?” Margo interrupts my thoughts. She should know better; I’ve never called him anything but Noble.
“That’s his name.”
“But no one else on the planet calls him that but you. I thought maybe when you guys went to Rutgers together you would concede,” Margo says.
“I teased him with it the first half of our lives, and now it just fits him. He’ll always be Noble to me,” I say, and the memory of a strange conversation with him in August haunts me. “I think he knew about Stephanie before I did.”
I drop my hammer on the table, disgusted. Noble was always the one to pick me up, to help me out. He’s one of my best friends. How could he have known?
“He definitely seems to know the shit hit the fan,” Margo adds.
He betrayed me too. Jason, the sky, the air, the entire fucking world including Noble Sinclair.
***
The Ocean Drive, or the OD as it’s been called for generations, is already filling up quickly. We wait in a line out front and when we are just four people from the door, Jake and two other guys come up and act like our boyfriends in order to cut the line. I can’t imagine the person that’s going to tell Jake to move back. When I get to the front I hand the bouncer my ID and notice he waves Jake in with an air of confidentiality. I raise my eyebrows but don’t ask any questions. Jake smiles and grabs my hand. I let him lead me to the bar. It’s crowded, and dark, and loud, and the energy fills me. I’ve been drained lately, unable to move in any direction. The OD brings back some remembrance of revelry. I thought I’d cut these memories out with a pair of rusted scissors, but look at that; still here.
Jake squeezes my hand and hauls me back from my thoughts. The bartender yells over the waiting customers, “Jake, what do you need?”
He turns to me.
“Miller Lite,” I say with a shrug, and he stares at me. “Please,” I add with my sweetest smile.
“Two Miller Lites!” he yells. They’re promptly delivered and he ignores the money I’ve pulled out and pays.
“Are you the mayor of Sea Isle or something?” I ask, letting my curiosity take over.
“Something like that,” he answers as he smirks and takes a long sip of his beer. I watch him as he drinks. How the hell did I get here?
The rest of the house joins us and I relax, able to blend into the anonymity of the crowd. The group blocks guys from hitting on me, and is large enough that I don’t have to interact beyond simple conversations. They’re a diverse group from what I can gather, having only spent the equivalent of about six sentences with them. Each was brought on board by a friend, or a friend of a friend, who had an extra share in their shore house. When I can, I lean back on the bar and attempt to smile. I quietly observe everyone around me who has apparently never lost a thing in their lives. They absently leave me alone, not realizing they’ve lost me.
Jason blares in my head, begging me to stay with him, to not leave him. What did he think I would do? Did he really believe I would ever be able to forgive him? The music, the crowd, none of it is enough to drown him out. Not even his death would rid me of him. He’s locked in my head. One foot in front of the other, I think, and realize I’ve stopped smiling. I put the crazy grin back on my face and inhale deeply.
Maybe going back to work will help. Something else to think about, something to engage some other part of me. The anticipation of the coming week and the thought of talking to my boss, Bruce, sours my mood. This is the problem with living; you have to actually live your life. All of it, even the shitty parts.
I decide to go to the bathroom and the strategic mission of maneuvering through the crowd takes my mind off Jason. There is, of course, a line and I lean up against the wall as I take a deep breath. I can do this. I can have a fun night. Sloppy, Too Loud, and Whiny finish in front of me and stumble out of the bathroom.
When I come out I decide to get a beer at the nearest bar rather than fight my way back to the group. I order a Miller Lite as Clint East walks up beside me.
“Clint!” I wrap my arms around him. “It’s so good to see you.” I mean it too. I’m actually glad to see him. I never thought I’d be happy to see someone from Salem County again, but since kindergarten Clint’s been pure fun.
“Charlotte, what are you doing here?” he asks, as high as a kite.
“Hanging. Margo and Jenn are here,” I say with a huge smile anchoring my face. I take it in. All of it. Clint has never been anything but a playmate and seeing him here takes me back to a time before now.
“No way. Where at?”
“They’re up by the door,” I say, pointing toward the front bar.
“Hey, Charlotte, I’m sorry about everything that happened.” Clint’s so sweet I can’t even be upset with him, but his words slap me back to reality. Everything that happened.
“It’s okay. Really. I’m going to be okay.” Not really, but we’ll go with that. I’m not going to be okay. Okay is a goal for ten years from now. That is if I’m cursed to live that long.
“Hey, I have to go, I’m working this girl over there and she’s getting mad. I have my own construction business now.” He hands me his card: Clint East Construction; I’ll make your day.
“Clint, it’s fantastic,” I say, still looking at the card, and wishing I could run away with Clint. Just run away from all of this and smoke pot, and go to the shore for the weekend, and not be what I am right now.
“I know! It took me over a year to come up with it.” Clint kisses me on the cheek. His sweet smile warms me and I can’t help giving him a big hug before he rushes over to his now obviously irate new friend.
I take my time and wander back to the front bar. I can let this go. At least for tonight I can let it go. On my way a guy grabs my arm and insists I answer a few questions for him and his friends. Doesn’t anyone care about originality anymore? I’m in such a good mood from Clint, I actually consider letting him throw his line until he pulls me close and drapes his heavy, sweaty arm around my shoulders. I duck under his arm and out of his drunken reach to see Jake watching me, leaning on the bar behind him. He’s smiling, half-laughing. Not jealous, but amused. Easy as usual. In control.
I walk over and lean into him as the band starts a new set. He wraps one arm around my waist and pulls me to him. His hips move us to the music as his eyes glance wickedly at me. I let him lead me. The band is loud. It keeps me from completing a thought.
I close my eyes and let him have me. He kisses my neck quickly and my breasts awaken. I take a deep breath, trying to think.
“I was thinking maybe we could go for a swim,” he suggests near my ear so I can hear him.
A swim, a hike, whatever you want—just don’t let go of me. I need to bury myself and if it’s not going to be underground, it’s going to be with you.
“Have you ever been swimming in the ocean at night?” I ask, knowing it’s a bit eerie.
“No, it’ll be a first.”
I nod and he grabs my hand to walk out the same way we came in. The separation of our bodies leaves me cold and wanting.
Neither of us speaks a word as we walk the four blocks to our street. Someone is going to have to say something soon or I’ll sink back into my mental obsession with all things hateful. As if he can read my thoughts, Jake turns to me and smiles, willing me to be happy with him.
Instead of going to the house he leads me right to the beach, grabbing a blanket from the back of his car. My hand is securely in his as we maneuver the soft sand and I block out the obvious questions running through my mind. What the hell are you doing out here, Charlotte? Now you swim at night? What else do you do?
Jake turns to face me half the distance to the water. The moon is full and I can see his profile clearly. His eyes are serious as he pulls me toward him and kisses me without hesitation. His hands are on my back, pulling me up to him as his tongue explores me. I’m lost somewhere between the chiseled perfection of his chest and the throbbing between my legs. He returns me to the ground, and I step back to regain my footing and breathing. It’s been years since I’ve kissed anyone but Ja--
“How about that swim?” He saves me from my thoughts.
“Right,” I say, and let my eyes wander to the ocean.
He’s already taking off his shirt when I look back. His chest is brilliant in the moonlight and I shamelessly stare at him as he removes his belt. I still haven’t moved when he lowers his shorts. I blush, not at his nudity, but at the size of him. Jake…is…enormous. My God, why were we in that bar in the first place? I blink a few times and his laughter brings me back to the surface. He walks toward me and I force my eyes to meet his.
“Impressive,” I say. Because I am a moron.
“Thank you.” He lifts my dress over my head. I weakly lift my arms, happy for him to take care of me. Jake seems surprised I have no underwear on.
“Jenn only packed me thongs and it just seemed unnecessary,” I explain, sounding more and more deranged.
“Unnecessary.” He nods his head in mocking agreement, turns, grabs my hand, and walks toward the ocean.
“Aren’t you afraid of getting arrested?” I ask.
“No, that’s one thing I’m not afraid of.”
I dive underwater and come up alone. The moonlight on the ocean makes it look as black as oil. My skin’s like porcelain floating up and bobbing in the water. It is unearthly. Jake pops up next to me, and I exhale as he pulls me toward him. I wrap my arms and legs around him.
“What are you afraid of, Goldilocks?”
“Not much these days,” I answer dispassionately.
“How can someone so young feel that way?” Jake moves my wet hair away from my face.
“When you discover you have nothing more to lose, you stop being afraid of things.”
Apparently, it’s quite freeing.
I can hear music coming from the deck of a beachfront house, and bury my head in his neck and I feel good. And he feels good beneath me.
“I know your name is not Morning,” he says softly, colluding with me.
“I never said it was.” I lean back from him. Jake runs his hand between my breasts and down my stomach.
“Are you running from the law?” He seems unduly serious but it could have something to do with the nudity.
“No, not the law,” I say, and dip my hair back in the water. I arch further back and submerge my whole head. The ocean is warm tonight. It’s welcoming me back. “Hey, can you give me a boost?” I ask, pulling myself back up.
“A boost?” he asks hesitantly.
“Yeah, a boost. Make a cradle with your hands and on three, throw me backward.”
“Oh right, a boost. Sure.” He threads his fingers into a basket and I put my left leg into it. I grab his shoulders to steady myself.
“You have to wait until a wave comes so I don’t break my neck, but the plan is a back flip. You feeling it?” I ask mischievously.
“Oh, I’m feeling it,” he says, and I think we’re talking about two separate things.
“Here comes a set,” I say, looking behind me. “One, two…our bounce is off…it’s all in the timing. We have to go up and down together.”
“Yes, got it,” he says, staring at me with eyes that are clearly not talking about throwing me anywhere.
“One, two, three!” He pulls up as I push off his chest and I fly into a back flip before hitting the water feet first. I linger underwater. In this ocean I am young, inexperienced with death and dismay. It’s been years since I’ve had a boost in the water and I want to go back to that time. I surface ready to go again. “That was awesome! You’re strong. I’ve never gone that high.”
Jake swims over to me and takes me in his arms, kissing me with a power I crumble under. He lifts me up and my breasts break the surface of the water as his dark eyes ask permission, and I smile. I’m as light as a feather as he carries me to the sand and lays me flat on my back. He’s humongous and strong, but cradles me, not letting his full weight crush me. His lips are gentle at first, but give way to a hunger that’s building. I reach down and grab him, still shocked by the size. It’s not just the length, but the width. Girth, this is the perfect time to utilize the word girth.
“How’s that, Goldilocks?” He breathes the words as he kisses the side of my neck.
“I think it might be too big.” I grin, but I think he could break me in half with that thing. “I’m sure you get that a lot.”
“I have heard it before. How about we take it slow?”
I roll him over onto his back and take in the full view. This must be some kind of cruel joke. Only I could land on this my first night out of the gate. I lie on top of him, my legs spread around him, and as he kisses me his hard-on caresses all the right places and I feel the heat between my legs rise up to my breasts and settle in the back of my throat. If he keeps this up I’ll come without him even entering me. I stop moving and try to steady my breathing. I silence all the questions: Who am I? What have I become? Why is this okay? Just breathe, Charlotte.
“I think I’m ready.”
He rolls me over and positions himself between my legs. He puts on a condom and eases himself into me. I breathe deeply and try to relax, knowing tensing up will only make things more difficult. He’s by far the largest man I’ve ever been with. That’s not saying much since there have only been two others, but he must be exceptional.
“Is that in? All the way?” I ask, hopeful.
“Not all the way, but if you need me to stop, I will.”
“No, keep going. It’s okay.” I kiss him hard to try to block out the enormous intrusion breaking me. He tries again, but I wince and squeeze my legs together, my self-preservation instinct taking over. He’s touching me everywhere. He fills me completely and I want more every time he pulls out. Jake continues this strange intercourse that perplexes my body. I again begin to breathe heavily and find myself losing my grasp. I throw my hands up and give in with a quiet moan and a convulsion that has nowhere to go because he’s everywhere. What an odd orgasm. I brace myself as Jake finishes, hoping he doesn’t finish me.
Jake lies on top of me, still supporting most of his weight to not crush me, and I run my fingertips across his back. I swirl them and listen to the ocean, and without thinking I kiss his neck.
“Are you always this careful?” I ask, thankful for his restraint.
“Yes,” Jake says, sounding a little regretful. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have to think during sex.”
“That’s tragic.”
“Aww, you can be sweet.”
“I told you,” I taunt as I roll back on top of him and kiss him again, enjoying him beneath me. Jake wraps his arms tightly around my back, holding me close to him. The clouds have covered the moon and it’s pitch-black out. I can’t see a thing two feet away, but the sounds of the waves breaking on the shore settle me. It’s not long before I feel him ready.
“Would you like to try this again?” I offer, not sure what I’m doing to myself. I am into the pain thing now.
“Really?” He’s taken aback. “I don’t get a lot of repeat offers in one night.”
“I can imagine. I want to try something.”
He is shameless. “I’m all yours.”
“Put a condom on and follow me.”
He pulls another condom out of his pants pocket and rolls it on.
“Do you carry a lot of those with you?”
He sighs. “They tend to break a lot.”
“Right. Of course.” Because they don’t make them in size Prodigious.
I walk down to the water and wade in. My mother’s pleas not to swim in the ocean at night fly through my head as I run my fingers over the water. She wouldn’t want me to swim without a lifeguard, regardless of the time of day. You were my lifeguard, Mom. Where are you now? She’d want me to be happy. My mother would want me to feel something other than a strong desire to die. She’d want me to live.
Jake follows me, and when we’re just about waist deep I turn to him and wrap my arms and legs around him, forgetting about my mother and what she’d want. I point to the left, just past the wave break, and ask him to move over there. He walks with me hanging on him like fruit on a tree, his trunk hanging between his legs.
“I want you to have sex with me in the water. I think it might make things a little easier,” I say, and Jake is confused and a little uneasy. “Move about a foot deeper.” He obliges and now his waist is almost submerged. “I’m going to lie back and float with my legs around your waist.”
“You’re going to drown,” he says, dismissing my idea.
“Have a little faith. I told you I’m an excellent swimmer.”
I lie back and float on the surface, connected to him at his waist. He’s staring at me with a renewed longing. The motion of the water on my naked body is intoxicating.
“Oh, one more thing,” I say as I pull myself back up to him. “Just do what feels good to you. Don’t worry about me.”
“No way,” he says, and starts to pull away.
“I mean it. I’ll be fine. If at any time you’re hurting me I’ll say stop, but until then just move when your body tells you to. And if I go underwater, I’ll come right back up.”
I lie back down and float in the water. I stare at the moon as the clouds release it and wonder what Jason’s doing tonight. I’m guessing not this.
“What are you waiting for?” I ask.
Jake runs his hand over the small mermaid tail tattoo decorating my right hip.
“You’re beautiful, you know. And a little scary.”
“I know.” He laughs at me.
Extremely slowly and gently he begins to enter me. It’s much less painful than before. “It’s okay. Try and go all the way in.”
I spread my arms out to the side to help steady me and let him support from my hips down. I’m floating on the water’s surface but the waves push over me and send water trickling down my stomach and between my legs. It tickles and teases. He pushes in farther and I swear he’s the largest man on earth. A carnival attraction in all the right ways. I know he’s watching my every move. He runs his hand up my stomach and grabs my nipple.
“It’s all the way in and it…is…amazing,” he murmurs, gratitude mixed with desire in his voice.
“See, it’s fine.” I hope I can do this. Jake pulls out with the precision and gentle touch of a bomb defuser. I want him to let go, to feel what I feel. It’s empty without him. I tighten my legs around his waist and stroke him with my hand while he watches. I let go and when his eyes find mine, they convey how ready I am.
He eases back into me, a little more confident this time. I bite my bottom lip.
“It’s good on my end too. Now don’t think.”
Jake raises me up and kisses me hard on the lips. I pull away to see him in the pitch-black night. He gently places me back on the surface of the water. It runs over my face and I lick the saltiness from my lips. Jake grabs my hips and moves in again. This time it’s even less painful. He’s out and in, and everywhere. Him coming out is making me twice as crazy as him entering. He starts to move faster and I’m sure I’m going to lose my mind. I’m floating with nothing to hold on to, naked in the moonlight. It’s erotic. It’s a loss of control I hadn’t anticipated.
“You are…a…genius, Goldi,” he says, taking breaths between each word. I close my eyes and let his rhythm take me over. I arch my back and try to keep my head above water. When I look up I see his face pointing toward the moon and I come, sucking in a big breath. He comes too, saying, “Oh yeah!” Pride mixed with gratitude—and Jake—fill me, and for a small moment I almost feel whole again.
A wave washes over me and my face goes underwater. I think I might stay down here and just end things on this note. It seems like a good one. He pulls me up and into his arms and I bury my face in his neck, exhausted. I’m shivering now, trying to recover. He wraps his arms around me tighter and walks out of the water.
“Thank you,” he says, and I kiss the side of his neck and run my hand up the back of his head. “Let’s go take a hot shower and warm you up.”
Jake’s face is soft and sweet, and I want to melt into his arms and not raise my head again. I want him to erase it all.
I ignore the fact that I’m soaking wet and put on my dress. He manages to get his shorts on, but they’re sticking to him. We sneak back to the house without detection and I turn on the water in the outside shower.
“Did anyone ever tell you that you’d make a good homeless person?” he asks. I am homeless. “I’ll get us some towels,” he says, and walks away. The water is hot and soothing on my back. I look at my watch and it’s only 12:30.
Jake joins me in the shower and washes my hair, then my body. He’s gentle and careful, in control again. He wraps me in a towel and carries me into the house and upstairs to his room.
I put on one of his t-shirts and go to the bathroom. It burns and I consider what kind of damage I’ve inflicted on myself. When I return to the room, he’s gotten me a glass of water and is lying in the bed waiting for me. I crawl in and curl up in his arms, my face buried in his chest.
“This is another first for me, you know?” Jake asks.
“No. You should have told me you were a virgin.”
He laughs. “No, but you are the first smart ass I’ve had sex with.”
“Oh, I’m your first girl from Jersey?”
“I was actually going to say being with a girl before I even know her name. So, you’re from Jersey?” He uses his new information immediately.
“Today, yes. As of three weeks ago, Manhattan. Before that, Rutgers University, and I’m supposed to be living in Oklahoma right now.” My words trail off as I add, “My plans changed unexpectedly.”
I know without looking up that he’s staring at me with that disturbed look I often get these days. “This is a first for me too,” I add, hoping to change the subject.
“Oh? First time having sex in the water?” he assumes.
“Oh no, I’ve been in pools and lakes—both in boats and submerged. Also on a dock, but I’m not sure if that counts as a water excursion or not.” I rattle this off, not considering what a slut it makes me sound like. Who cares though? If he had any respect for me, he surely left it on the beach.
“Oh,” he says, a little in shock.
“Big Jacques Cousteau fan.” I slowly recover. “It’s the first time I’ve been with someone I haven’t known since first grade.”
It’s the truth and it makes me sound a lot better.
“Really? How many people have you been with?”
“Counting you?” I move my head as if performing long mental calculations. “Three.”
“I’m the third person you’ve ever had sex with?” he asks, not sure he believes me.
“Yes. Why?” I sound properly offended.
“I have no idea what to think of you. You, Goldilocks, are like no one I’ve ever met in my life, and I meet a lot of people.”
I fall asleep in Jake’s arms, very thankful he found me in his bed.
~ 5 ~
Morning, Mourning
I wake up and reach for my phone. I silence it and send a text to Margo and Jenn.
Can we please go home now?
I’ve had more fun than I can handle.
Literally. I’d like to get out of here without talking to Jake. He looks tough even in his sleep. Even though I’ve never seen him even annoyed, you just know not to mess with him. Maybe he’s a Marine. I see his wallet and consider looking in it, but why? Isn’t the goal to never see him again? I’ve known him almost exactly twenty-four hours. He is terribly likable. Too bad I’m not.
My phone vibrates twice. From Margo I get:
Why? R u ok? I think we should stay. I like ur new friend. I want to leave u w/him when I go back to CO.
And from Jenn:
NO
I roll over, willing myself back to sleep. When that doesn’t work I get up and tiptoe out to the bathroom. Jake must have locked the door because it takes me a minute to figure out how to get out. I pee, and again, it hurts like hell. I’m going to have to buy one of those donuts at the drug store to sit on this week. No wonder he’s so calm and controlled. He’s got a giant secret in his pants.
I brush my teeth and wash my face, trying to figure out what today will bring. What am I going to tell him? “Jake’s cool. That’s why you like him. This is going to be fine,” I say to myself in the mirror, but it doesn’t suppress my nervousness.
I crawl back into bed and notice Jake’s morning hard-on. My goodness, I’d have to become deeply creative to take this on full time. He rolls over and spoons me, poking me in the butt, and the back, with his big fat good morning. I brace myself because I know some sort of conversation’s coming.
“Good morning,” he says into my ear.
“That’s my name,” I respond.
“Speaking of that, I was thinking maybe you could tell me your real name, especially since somehow you magically know mine.” He makes room and rolls me over onto my back, facing him. He’s serious, but happy.
“I was thinking about it too, and I think things are perfect exactly the way they are.” Jake studies me. “In the past twenty-four hours you’ve done something no one else has been able to do in three weeks, and I don’t want to ruin it.”
“What did I do?”
“You took my mind off things.” I look away from him, unwilling to burden him with the whole story. He’s given me so much, let me get lost in him, to torture him with this tale seems unfair.
“I get that you’re in a bad place,” he begins. “But I haven’t met a girl I find half as intriguing as you in years. And the fact that you were delivered to me yesterday means something.”
I consider his remarks. More of this “God’s Plan” mumbo jumbo I’ve had shoved down my throat since my grandmother died. Could he possibly believe God sent him a blonde in distress, delivered me to his bed to fuck him in the moonlit ocean? Sounds like a generous God, not the one I’m familiar with.
“Let’s say for a minute that it does mean something. But if it does, you were sent to me, not the other way around,” I explain. “I’m going to return the favor and never see you again. Believe me, you’ll be better off.”
He takes a deep breath and his lips close to a fine line.
“Listen, you need to get a pool or start working out at a gym with a pool,” I explain.
“Why’s that?”
“So you can meet a nice girl who swims, or at least floats well.” I laugh.
“I don’t think this is as funny as you do.” Jake’s frustrated with my insolence, and all I can think about is how much I want to be in my car driving away. I can’t hurt or be hurt anymore. I’ve reached a limit. There are no additional items allowed on this express line of pain. It’s time to escape this house, and Jake, and the very concept of living.
He stands up and regains his usual control; he’s distant though. “I’m going for a run,” he says, and grabs his car keys. I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, confirming in my mind there’s no point in getting to know Jake better. There’s nothing left of me to know. I search through Mike’s things and find paper and a pencil.
Jake,
I’m toxic. Thank you for the past 24 hours. I can’t selfishly take you home with me, as much as I’d love to. My misery doesn’t deserve your company. I’ll think of you often, including each time I sit down for the next few days. You’re a beautiful man. A rare find…and I’m not speaking anatomically.
Yours in the water,
Charlotte Anne O’Brien
Jersey Fresh
I fold it in half and put it under his wallet. It’s time to get the hell out of here. I text Jenn and Margo again:
Code RED.
Seriously, it’s time to go.
Exchange the info, say your goodbyes, and get your crap.
I’ll be at the car in 10 minutes.
I’ve been a very good girl—now reward me.
***
Margo and Jenn close the car doors without a word and we head west toward Salem County.
“Jenn, did you tell Ray about me?” I ask.
“Yeah, why?” she answers as she turns onto the causeway.
“Is he friends with Jake?”
“They’re both troopers,” Margo says.
“What?” I snap, turning around to see her in the backseat.
“Ray and Jake are both state troopers. They’re stationed at the same barracks. He didn’t tell you?”
“I never asked,” I say as I think back over his behavior and demeanor. “I’m glad I didn’t offer him money to hurt Jason,” I think out loud.
Margo and Jenn start laughing, but I’m still lost in thought. A New Jersey State Trooper. A decent human sworn to uphold the law and protect me. But what do I need protection from? It’s all inflicted its mortal wound by now. There’s nothing left to protect.